So there he sits - my roommate - in his chair. From this perch, he runs the household with a mighty hand. From this chair, commands are issued. From this chair, children are corrected. From this chair of power, my roommate, is the king of his castle.
(Remote control located on coffee table - two feet from the chair) "Short curly haired girl! Hand me the remote control!"
(Stupid puggle barking outside) "Tall pretty girl! Take puggle out for a walk."
(Girlfriend walks through den in front of the chair) "Girlfriend! Bring me a glass of water!"
(Light in the kitchen is on) "Tall kid! Turn off that light!"
(Baby wanders out of the room unsupervised) "Short kid with glasses! Find the baby!"
My roommate is the man. Just ask him. He'll tell you. People in the house wilt in the presence of his intellect. They tremble when he is upset. They weep when he leaves home and rejoice upon his return.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Do me a favor. Call my roommate on his cell. Send him a text. See what happens. I'll tell you what will happen - nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The all knowing, wise, powerful, roommate left his BlackBerry on his car the other day and drove away with it still on the hood. He didn't realize that he had done it until thirty minutes later. Genius. How I wish I could have seen his face when he realized what he had done! Oh how I wish I could have seen him running into oncoming traffic to rescue the shattered remains of his BlackBerry! Oh how I wish I could have seen him trying to fit the battery back into the phone!
What a doorknob!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Killing Fields
Today I went for a walk. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out, the temperature was just right, and there was a slight breeze. Perfect weather for a walk! Recently, the weather has been terrible, and everyone in the house has had cabin fever. There is only so much one can do indoors before beginning to go just a little stir crazy. I, like my roommate, crave "alone time," so I was excited to get that chance today in the peaceful solitude of a late afternoon stroll.
HOWEVER, my walk was immediately compromised. At the exact same time I left the house, my roommate released his children out into the neighborhood, too. I was almost killed (or at the very least, maimed) by the tornado of scooters and bicycles that blew past me. I was sent hurtling into a lone shrubbery in a neighboring yard. Cursing under my breath, I quickly looked up to see in which direction the children were headed. Ahhh! Down the street, first right, second driveway on the left - Grandma's house!
Well, what the heck? When I began my jaunt, I had no destination in mind. Grandma's house might be a good place to go to today. I brushed myself off and emerged back onto the street from behind the shrub and proceeded to Grandma's.
As I approached the house, I heard a sobbing child. The closer I got to the house, the more distinct the crying became - it was the short kid with glasses. I snuck down the driveway, carefully avoiding the tall pretty girl who almost ran over me again as she flew down the drive on her bike. As I turned the corner, I saw the short kid with glasses sitting on the edge of the patio. Grandma was telling him that everything would be okay. He was sniveling and crying and sobbing and insisting that everything would NOT be okay, because the tall kid had pushed him off of his scooter. Grandma gave up and went back inside. Short kid with glasses continued to weep, but eventually got back onto his scooter, probably encouraged by the fear of Grandpa coming outside to reprimand him. Nobody wants a Grandpa beatdown!
Once he was on the scooter, his crying ceased, and he rejoined the others in the playful, Grandma's house, frolicking. The tall kid encouraged the short kid with glasses to join him in the front yard. He quickly responded and shot around the corner and down the driveway.
I am not exactly sure of the specifics of what happened next, because I was trying to keep a wary eye on the short curly haired kid who was riding in circles on her tricycle precariously close to where I was sitting. However, I remember hearing an awful sound. I heard a scream from the tall pretty girl. I heard a shout from the short kid with glasses. And I heard laughter from the tall kid. Then - BOOM!
The short kid with glasses had inadvertently guided his scooter directly into the path of the tall pretty girl on her bike. She was traveling at a high rate of speed, as was the short kid with glasses. As I mentioned before, I did not actually see the impact, but the aftermath was horrific. The short kid with glasses wound up on his side in the neighbor's yard and the tall pretty girl was thrown from her bike into Grandma's driveway. Her foot had been caught in the spokes and her knee had served as a flesh brake to slow her skidding on the driveway. Blood, tears, and sweat. (I refuse to arrange these words in the most popular order).
The tall kid feigned concern as he choked down his laughter. The short kid with glasses, however, who was furious that the tall pretty girl had knocked him off his scooter, composed himself when he saw the carnage. Grandma came out to see what had happened, and she quickly came down to assist. The short curly haired girl jumped off of her tricycle and flung it aside to run over to check on the tall pretty girl, screaming "Ohmygosh, Ohmygosh, Ohmygosh!" I pushed the discarded tricycle off of me and jockeyed for a position to see what was happening.
Long story short, Grandma saved the day by putting medicine and band aids on the tall pretty girl, Grandpa doesn't get any accolades today because he informed the tall pretty girl that the medicine Grandma was going to administer would "sting like hell." This resulted in terrified screaming pre-medication. Short curly haired girl tried to cheer up tall pretty girl by presenting her with an earthworm she had found, but wound up sending the tall pretty girl into hysterical crying again when she accidentally tore the worm in half. Short curly haired girl, upon seeing tall pretty girl's distress, immediately ran inside and told Grandma that she didn't mean to "break the worm." Tall kid rides his bike past the patio and asks the tall pretty girl why she quit riding bikes, which reminds the tall pretty girl that she was injured because of the short kid with glasses. The tall pretty girl yells at the short kid with glasses out of frustration, and the short kid with glasses starts to cry again, because he claimed that her accusation was not fair, because he didn't mean to make her crash, and besides - it was her fault that she wrecked because she is a girl and that obviously means that she automatically is not a good bike rider.
Due to the aforementioned tricycle accident, I quietly limped home and went to bed.
Can anyone tell me who did well on American Idol? I hope that the JT wannabe and the dopey youth director looking guy buy the farm tomorrow night.
HOWEVER, my walk was immediately compromised. At the exact same time I left the house, my roommate released his children out into the neighborhood, too. I was almost killed (or at the very least, maimed) by the tornado of scooters and bicycles that blew past me. I was sent hurtling into a lone shrubbery in a neighboring yard. Cursing under my breath, I quickly looked up to see in which direction the children were headed. Ahhh! Down the street, first right, second driveway on the left - Grandma's house!
Well, what the heck? When I began my jaunt, I had no destination in mind. Grandma's house might be a good place to go to today. I brushed myself off and emerged back onto the street from behind the shrub and proceeded to Grandma's.
As I approached the house, I heard a sobbing child. The closer I got to the house, the more distinct the crying became - it was the short kid with glasses. I snuck down the driveway, carefully avoiding the tall pretty girl who almost ran over me again as she flew down the drive on her bike. As I turned the corner, I saw the short kid with glasses sitting on the edge of the patio. Grandma was telling him that everything would be okay. He was sniveling and crying and sobbing and insisting that everything would NOT be okay, because the tall kid had pushed him off of his scooter. Grandma gave up and went back inside. Short kid with glasses continued to weep, but eventually got back onto his scooter, probably encouraged by the fear of Grandpa coming outside to reprimand him. Nobody wants a Grandpa beatdown!
Once he was on the scooter, his crying ceased, and he rejoined the others in the playful, Grandma's house, frolicking. The tall kid encouraged the short kid with glasses to join him in the front yard. He quickly responded and shot around the corner and down the driveway.
I am not exactly sure of the specifics of what happened next, because I was trying to keep a wary eye on the short curly haired kid who was riding in circles on her tricycle precariously close to where I was sitting. However, I remember hearing an awful sound. I heard a scream from the tall pretty girl. I heard a shout from the short kid with glasses. And I heard laughter from the tall kid. Then - BOOM!
The short kid with glasses had inadvertently guided his scooter directly into the path of the tall pretty girl on her bike. She was traveling at a high rate of speed, as was the short kid with glasses. As I mentioned before, I did not actually see the impact, but the aftermath was horrific. The short kid with glasses wound up on his side in the neighbor's yard and the tall pretty girl was thrown from her bike into Grandma's driveway. Her foot had been caught in the spokes and her knee had served as a flesh brake to slow her skidding on the driveway. Blood, tears, and sweat. (I refuse to arrange these words in the most popular order).
The tall kid feigned concern as he choked down his laughter. The short kid with glasses, however, who was furious that the tall pretty girl had knocked him off his scooter, composed himself when he saw the carnage. Grandma came out to see what had happened, and she quickly came down to assist. The short curly haired girl jumped off of her tricycle and flung it aside to run over to check on the tall pretty girl, screaming "Ohmygosh, Ohmygosh, Ohmygosh!" I pushed the discarded tricycle off of me and jockeyed for a position to see what was happening.
Long story short, Grandma saved the day by putting medicine and band aids on the tall pretty girl, Grandpa doesn't get any accolades today because he informed the tall pretty girl that the medicine Grandma was going to administer would "sting like hell." This resulted in terrified screaming pre-medication. Short curly haired girl tried to cheer up tall pretty girl by presenting her with an earthworm she had found, but wound up sending the tall pretty girl into hysterical crying again when she accidentally tore the worm in half. Short curly haired girl, upon seeing tall pretty girl's distress, immediately ran inside and told Grandma that she didn't mean to "break the worm." Tall kid rides his bike past the patio and asks the tall pretty girl why she quit riding bikes, which reminds the tall pretty girl that she was injured because of the short kid with glasses. The tall pretty girl yells at the short kid with glasses out of frustration, and the short kid with glasses starts to cry again, because he claimed that her accusation was not fair, because he didn't mean to make her crash, and besides - it was her fault that she wrecked because she is a girl and that obviously means that she automatically is not a good bike rider.
Due to the aforementioned tricycle accident, I quietly limped home and went to bed.
Can anyone tell me who did well on American Idol? I hope that the JT wannabe and the dopey youth director looking guy buy the farm tomorrow night.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
CSI Miami
Have not posted in a while. My roommate is watching CSI Miami right now and it is past midnight. That can only mean that it is a weekend. Re-runs. Sad life that boy has. I love sitting underneath the girlfriend's coffee table.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
No Hurricanes in Alabama!
The short curly haired girl's best friend forever came over for a visit today from Alabama. Everybody in the house likes it when she comes over, because the short curly haired girl is completely distracted. It gives everyone a break.
I was in the kitchen this evening while BFF and the short curly haired girl were hanging out. While making a snack, I heard the short curly haired girl begging BFF to play hide and seek. BFF was complying for the most part, but even she, the BFF, apparently can get worn down and worn out by the short curly haired girl. I guessed that they had been at the game for a long time before I arrived in the kitchen, because it seemed as if BFF was beginning to get annoyed. Of course, I could've just been projecting my own low tolerance of the short curly haired girl onto BFF. Who knows? Maybe BFF was having fun, but I digress . . .
I quickly realized that this was one of those moments that was comical and yet sad - all at once. The short curly haired girl would tell BFF to hide. BFF would say okay, and the short curly haired girl would go off to count . . . . to 2. Meanwhile, BFF would put a blanket over her head while she remained seated on the couch. The short curly haired girl, having counted all the way to 2, would then shout, "Weadynot! EreI coming!" Four seconds later, having traversed the distance from the kitchen to the den, the short curly haired girl would scream with glee upon finding the BFF under the blanket. Over and over this happened until finally the BFF got a phone call. The call - which I still claim was staged- told the BFF that she had to meet her family for dinner.
I braced myself for the ensuing chaos. You see, every time BFF leaves after a visit, the short curly haired girl melts down into a pathetic, wailing, mess. Tonight however, BFF pulled a fast one. She waited until the short curly haired girl was distracted in another room, and then she silently left to "meet her family."
I waited with anxious anticipation to see what would unfold next. What would happen when the little demon came back into the den to find her BFF gone? Finally, she came back into the den and she began to search for her BFF. "Where is she?" the short curly haired girl questioned. She began to have a desperate look in her eyes. I braced for her to begin screaming and crying. "WHERE IS SHE?!?" This was going to be bad. I just knew it. I began to plan my exit strategy from the room, because every time the short curly haired girl gets mad, she winds up taking it out on me. Go figure.
However, this evening did not turn out the way I expected at all. Instead, my bumbling roommate actually pulled a fast one! Right before the short curly haired girl lost it, my roommate intervened in a beautiful manner. He got her attention and then told her that BFF was still playing hide and seek and that she must have found the perfect hiding place this time. The short curly haired girl looked at my roommate as if she was trying to size him up. Was he telling the truth, or was he just blowing smoke again? I waited in the kitchen with baited breath to see what would transpire next.
The short curly haired girl looked at my roommate. Then she looked over her shoulder to the couch. Then she looked at my roommate again. She cautiously crept to the couch and picked up the blanket that BFF had previously used for a hiding place. Not finding BFF this time, she quietly looked back at my roommate again to see if he was bluffing. Realizing that he was serious, the short curly haired girl dropped the blanket, painted her face with a devilish grin, and shouted at the top of her lungs, " One! Two! Weadynot! EreI coming!"
She looked for BFF until my roommate's girlfriend put her to bed.
Brilliant.
I was in the kitchen this evening while BFF and the short curly haired girl were hanging out. While making a snack, I heard the short curly haired girl begging BFF to play hide and seek. BFF was complying for the most part, but even she, the BFF, apparently can get worn down and worn out by the short curly haired girl. I guessed that they had been at the game for a long time before I arrived in the kitchen, because it seemed as if BFF was beginning to get annoyed. Of course, I could've just been projecting my own low tolerance of the short curly haired girl onto BFF. Who knows? Maybe BFF was having fun, but I digress . . .
I quickly realized that this was one of those moments that was comical and yet sad - all at once. The short curly haired girl would tell BFF to hide. BFF would say okay, and the short curly haired girl would go off to count . . . . to 2. Meanwhile, BFF would put a blanket over her head while she remained seated on the couch. The short curly haired girl, having counted all the way to 2, would then shout, "Weadynot! EreI coming!" Four seconds later, having traversed the distance from the kitchen to the den, the short curly haired girl would scream with glee upon finding the BFF under the blanket. Over and over this happened until finally the BFF got a phone call. The call - which I still claim was staged- told the BFF that she had to meet her family for dinner.
I braced myself for the ensuing chaos. You see, every time BFF leaves after a visit, the short curly haired girl melts down into a pathetic, wailing, mess. Tonight however, BFF pulled a fast one. She waited until the short curly haired girl was distracted in another room, and then she silently left to "meet her family."
I waited with anxious anticipation to see what would unfold next. What would happen when the little demon came back into the den to find her BFF gone? Finally, she came back into the den and she began to search for her BFF. "Where is she?" the short curly haired girl questioned. She began to have a desperate look in her eyes. I braced for her to begin screaming and crying. "WHERE IS SHE?!?" This was going to be bad. I just knew it. I began to plan my exit strategy from the room, because every time the short curly haired girl gets mad, she winds up taking it out on me. Go figure.
However, this evening did not turn out the way I expected at all. Instead, my bumbling roommate actually pulled a fast one! Right before the short curly haired girl lost it, my roommate intervened in a beautiful manner. He got her attention and then told her that BFF was still playing hide and seek and that she must have found the perfect hiding place this time. The short curly haired girl looked at my roommate as if she was trying to size him up. Was he telling the truth, or was he just blowing smoke again? I waited in the kitchen with baited breath to see what would transpire next.
The short curly haired girl looked at my roommate. Then she looked over her shoulder to the couch. Then she looked at my roommate again. She cautiously crept to the couch and picked up the blanket that BFF had previously used for a hiding place. Not finding BFF this time, she quietly looked back at my roommate again to see if he was bluffing. Realizing that he was serious, the short curly haired girl dropped the blanket, painted her face with a devilish grin, and shouted at the top of her lungs, " One! Two! Weadynot! EreI coming!"
She looked for BFF until my roommate's girlfriend put her to bed.
Brilliant.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Short kid with glasses MELTS DOWN
Today was irritating to say the least. Everybody in the house was a little bit off kilter for some reason. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was definitely in the air today.
The tall kid was acting like a punk, the tall pretty girl was tired and cranky after a sleep-over, the short curly haired girl (who's always annoying) was especially nerve grating, the baby was in a bad mood, my roommate's girlfriend was testy all day, because my roommate lost HIS temper this morning over something stupid. BUT the short kid with glasses literally cried all day long.
Tall kid teases short kid with glasses (skwg) while playing a video game - skwg cries. Tall pretty girl tells skwg that she wants to watch a different television show - skwg cries. Short curly haired girl, completely unprovoked, whacks skwg on the head with an inanimte object - skwg cries. (I'll give him that one, though. She's a demon)! Puggle from hell yanks him off his scooter - skwg cries. Roommate can't fix his bicycle tire - skwg cries. Skwg is offered a hotdog for supper when he really wanted a hamburger - skwg cries. The moons of Saturn were misalligned, Michelle Obama went sleeveless again, A-Rod took steroids, it doesn't snow in July, mop water tastes bad, Horatio Caine talks in short, choppy, sentences, the light over the master bathroom toilet burned out - THE SHORT KID WITH GLASSES cried.
Tomorrow has GOT to be better. I survived today by staying outside a lot. It is supposed to rain tomorrow. I don't like being wet.
The tall kid was acting like a punk, the tall pretty girl was tired and cranky after a sleep-over, the short curly haired girl (who's always annoying) was especially nerve grating, the baby was in a bad mood, my roommate's girlfriend was testy all day, because my roommate lost HIS temper this morning over something stupid. BUT the short kid with glasses literally cried all day long.
Tall kid teases short kid with glasses (skwg) while playing a video game - skwg cries. Tall pretty girl tells skwg that she wants to watch a different television show - skwg cries. Short curly haired girl, completely unprovoked, whacks skwg on the head with an inanimte object - skwg cries. (I'll give him that one, though. She's a demon)! Puggle from hell yanks him off his scooter - skwg cries. Roommate can't fix his bicycle tire - skwg cries. Skwg is offered a hotdog for supper when he really wanted a hamburger - skwg cries. The moons of Saturn were misalligned, Michelle Obama went sleeveless again, A-Rod took steroids, it doesn't snow in July, mop water tastes bad, Horatio Caine talks in short, choppy, sentences, the light over the master bathroom toilet burned out - THE SHORT KID WITH GLASSES cried.
Tomorrow has GOT to be better. I survived today by staying outside a lot. It is supposed to rain tomorrow. I don't like being wet.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Not just for cobbler anymore
Interesting. Tonight I am blogging with the assistance of my roommate's "BlackBerry." Of course, I didn't ask for this - he is simply too lazy to go get our laptop out of the car downstairs.
I had mentioned earlier that I felt like blogging. He just sat there and told me the laptop was in his car and he wasn't going to get it. I told him I'd go get it, but he said he didn't remember what he'd done with the keys. Sigh! He is so maddening sometimes!
I wasn't going to argue with him, though. "Fine," I thought. "I just won't blog tonight."
An hour or so later, my roommate asks me why I wasn't blogging yet. "Well, idiot," I thought, "the laptop is in the car, you lost the keys, and the tall kid is on the desktop watching crappy Aerosmith videos from their pathetic 90's resurrection from their drug and alcohol induced obscurity period. THAT'S why I'm not blogging! Idiot!"
But rather than explain this to him verbally, I just looked over my shoulder at him, shrugged, and squinted at him. Then he says, "Here ya go."And he tosses me his phone. "Blog with this."
Since I don't catch, the phone hit me in the head and bounced on to the floor. I peered at it on the floor from my perch on the couch while my roommate came over to pick it up. He handed it to me and told me again that I could blog with his "BlackBerry."
I was perplexed. This device is so small! I can blog with it? Really? He showed me how to work the device, and now I am so fascinted with this "BlackBerry," I have forgotten what I had originally wanted to blog about.
I think it had something to do with washcloths, but I honestly can't recall . . .
I had mentioned earlier that I felt like blogging. He just sat there and told me the laptop was in his car and he wasn't going to get it. I told him I'd go get it, but he said he didn't remember what he'd done with the keys. Sigh! He is so maddening sometimes!
I wasn't going to argue with him, though. "Fine," I thought. "I just won't blog tonight."
An hour or so later, my roommate asks me why I wasn't blogging yet. "Well, idiot," I thought, "the laptop is in the car, you lost the keys, and the tall kid is on the desktop watching crappy Aerosmith videos from their pathetic 90's resurrection from their drug and alcohol induced obscurity period. THAT'S why I'm not blogging! Idiot!"
But rather than explain this to him verbally, I just looked over my shoulder at him, shrugged, and squinted at him. Then he says, "Here ya go."And he tosses me his phone. "Blog with this."
Since I don't catch, the phone hit me in the head and bounced on to the floor. I peered at it on the floor from my perch on the couch while my roommate came over to pick it up. He handed it to me and told me again that I could blog with his "BlackBerry."
I was perplexed. This device is so small! I can blog with it? Really? He showed me how to work the device, and now I am so fascinted with this "BlackBerry," I have forgotten what I had originally wanted to blog about.
I think it had something to do with washcloths, but I honestly can't recall . . .
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