I am silent for months. I am encouraged to write again. My roomate coaxes me back to the keyboard and, I reluctantly comply. And for WHAT?!?
To be ridiculed by my roomate's girlfriend - "DC is blogging again, finally, but he talks too much now.".
Well, Miss Girlfriend - sorry to let you down. How's this?
Today? I slept.
(Too wordy for you)?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Gone With the Wind (and frankly I don't give a damn)
The kids are gone. All of them - gone. Of course remnants remain - baby dolls left unattended in strollers in the den, socks strewn all down the hall way, panties balled up underneath the toilets, game controllers draped over couches in the living room, sucker sticks stuck to the wall in the hall, stuffed animals crammed headfirst into couch cushions, etc., etc., etc. But now, it is as quiet as a church mouse. Serene and peaceful. Lovely!!
I've got the house to myself for five whole days! Actually, that's not 100% accurate. My roommate is still here, but I can live with that (as long as he will turn the stereo down - it's not like he's in high school with his parents out of town - "Sweet! Mom and dad are gone! Time to crank the tunes!" ~ at 1 in the morning ~ idiot)! It's actually pretty cool when it is just me and him here alone. We don't ever really speak, but we acknowledge the fact that we are both here. I don't want to sound too creepy, but it is kind of nice when it is just me and him. His girlfriend keeps him grounded and everything, but every now and then it's cool for him to remember what it was like back in the day when he was a lonely loser, you know? Humbling experiences never hurt anyone - like the time I got locked in a bathroom for 12 hours, but I digress . . .
With all the kids gone, I've been able to do somethings that just aren't possible with them around. Spying, for instance. I love spying on folks, but when the kids are around, it is virtually impossible. That dang short curly haired kid always blows my cover. I could have the best hiding/spying place in the world, and sure enough, the short curly haired kid will find me. For instance, who knew that she keeps her pretend plastic cell phone under the completely draped table in the den? To most kids, that damn toy phone is considered lost. But not to her! Again, I digress . . .
Spying. I was talking about spying. (How sad that I am still distracted by the currently absent kids . . . )! BUT ANYWAY - with the house empty today, I took the opportunity to do some uninteruppted spying. My roommate had come home for lunch and he had to take the puggle out for a walk. When my roommate takes this idiot out, he always goes out the front door. There is a screen door on the front of the house that doesn't close immediately which leaves a window of opportunity for me to quietly slip out behind them unnoticed. Sometimes, the short curly haired girl slips out, too, but as I mentioned earlier, she's currently gone! The setting was perfect! I was so deft and stealth-like, my roommate didn't even know I had followed him! I was gonna do some sweet, dirt revealing, scandal producing, bonafide, spying! Heh, heh, heh!
I slipped in comfortably behind the largest boxwood in the front flowerbed. LADJJFLJ*7&6! (Sorry. My roommate all of a sudden and completely out of the blue, thought he could sing like the lead singer for Toto - because it is after midnight, the kids are gone, and the stereo is BLARING . . . . My apologies. I'm easily spooked). Now. Where was I?
Ah, yes! The boxwood in the front bed of the house. I quickly settled in to gather intelligence. My roommate, God love him, was visibly irritated with the puggle who would not settle down to "do his business" immediately. I heard him saying, "Would you just hurry up and pee?" I snickered quietly into the back of my hand. Even my roommate, THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (whatev) could not make the puggle submit! This was hilarious. I continued to spy - eager to gather useful information that I could use as leverage in potential situations that might arise in the future. However, I became distracted. My original intent had been to be sharp and keenly aware of EVERYTHING I witnessed. Seriously, this was the first spying expedition I had been on in months without the threat of the short curly haired girl blowing my cover! And yet I slowly but surely realized that the banal stupidity of the puggle was driving me to distraction! I tried to fight it. I tried to remained focused. I tried to be cognizant of the things happening before my spying eyes, but I found myself becoming more and more distracted by the puggle.
My original intent had been to gather intell on my roommate that I could use against him with his girlfriend upon her return home. I mean, how sweet would it be if I had some damaging information on him that would lead to his girlfriend agreeing to let me eat anytime I felt like it? But no! The puggle had me mezmerized. Even though he is a much lesser life form, my attention was screwed into him. For what it is worth, my spying, uninterruptted, is actually top notch. But the puggle has some type of mysterious power over me. This is what my spying revealed today:
I'madogI'madogI'madog! RunrunrunrunrunSITDOWNFAST! Sniffsniffsniffsniffsnort! RunrunrunrunrunincirclesincirclesreallyreallyfastRUNincirclesbutIalreadysaidthatRUN. Digaholerighthereimmediately. Imustdigquicklyfastandfuriousdigdigdig. Isthatpoop? Eateateateatnow! Poopgoodyummyrunrunrunincirclesatspeedof soundletsgoinsidenow! Wait! Digdigdigdigrunrun! Anymore poop? Digrunrundigsitdown.
Damn puggle. Ruined everything today.
I've got the house to myself for five whole days! Actually, that's not 100% accurate. My roommate is still here, but I can live with that (as long as he will turn the stereo down - it's not like he's in high school with his parents out of town - "Sweet! Mom and dad are gone! Time to crank the tunes!" ~ at 1 in the morning ~ idiot)! It's actually pretty cool when it is just me and him here alone. We don't ever really speak, but we acknowledge the fact that we are both here. I don't want to sound too creepy, but it is kind of nice when it is just me and him. His girlfriend keeps him grounded and everything, but every now and then it's cool for him to remember what it was like back in the day when he was a lonely loser, you know? Humbling experiences never hurt anyone - like the time I got locked in a bathroom for 12 hours, but I digress . . .
With all the kids gone, I've been able to do somethings that just aren't possible with them around. Spying, for instance. I love spying on folks, but when the kids are around, it is virtually impossible. That dang short curly haired kid always blows my cover. I could have the best hiding/spying place in the world, and sure enough, the short curly haired kid will find me. For instance, who knew that she keeps her pretend plastic cell phone under the completely draped table in the den? To most kids, that damn toy phone is considered lost. But not to her! Again, I digress . . .
Spying. I was talking about spying. (How sad that I am still distracted by the currently absent kids . . . )! BUT ANYWAY - with the house empty today, I took the opportunity to do some uninteruppted spying. My roommate had come home for lunch and he had to take the puggle out for a walk. When my roommate takes this idiot out, he always goes out the front door. There is a screen door on the front of the house that doesn't close immediately which leaves a window of opportunity for me to quietly slip out behind them unnoticed. Sometimes, the short curly haired girl slips out, too, but as I mentioned earlier, she's currently gone! The setting was perfect! I was so deft and stealth-like, my roommate didn't even know I had followed him! I was gonna do some sweet, dirt revealing, scandal producing, bonafide, spying! Heh, heh, heh!
I slipped in comfortably behind the largest boxwood in the front flowerbed. LADJJFLJ*7&6! (Sorry. My roommate all of a sudden and completely out of the blue, thought he could sing like the lead singer for Toto - because it is after midnight, the kids are gone, and the stereo is BLARING . . . . My apologies. I'm easily spooked). Now. Where was I?
Ah, yes! The boxwood in the front bed of the house. I quickly settled in to gather intelligence. My roommate, God love him, was visibly irritated with the puggle who would not settle down to "do his business" immediately. I heard him saying, "Would you just hurry up and pee?" I snickered quietly into the back of my hand. Even my roommate, THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (whatev) could not make the puggle submit! This was hilarious. I continued to spy - eager to gather useful information that I could use as leverage in potential situations that might arise in the future. However, I became distracted. My original intent had been to be sharp and keenly aware of EVERYTHING I witnessed. Seriously, this was the first spying expedition I had been on in months without the threat of the short curly haired girl blowing my cover! And yet I slowly but surely realized that the banal stupidity of the puggle was driving me to distraction! I tried to fight it. I tried to remained focused. I tried to be cognizant of the things happening before my spying eyes, but I found myself becoming more and more distracted by the puggle.
My original intent had been to gather intell on my roommate that I could use against him with his girlfriend upon her return home. I mean, how sweet would it be if I had some damaging information on him that would lead to his girlfriend agreeing to let me eat anytime I felt like it? But no! The puggle had me mezmerized. Even though he is a much lesser life form, my attention was screwed into him. For what it is worth, my spying, uninterruptted, is actually top notch. But the puggle has some type of mysterious power over me. This is what my spying revealed today:
I'madogI'madogI'madog! RunrunrunrunrunSITDOWNFAST! Sniffsniffsniffsniffsnort! RunrunrunrunrunincirclesincirclesreallyreallyfastRUNincirclesbutIalreadysaidthatRUN. Digaholerighthereimmediately. Imustdigquicklyfastandfuriousdigdigdig. Isthatpoop? Eateateateatnow! Poopgoodyummyrunrunrunincirclesatspeedof soundletsgoinsidenow! Wait! Digdigdigdigrunrun! Anymore poop? Digrunrundigsitdown.
Damn puggle. Ruined everything today.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. Patrick's Day
I didn't wear green today. The short kid with glasses did, though. That was good enough for me. My roommate told me that on St. Patrick's Day, if you don't wear green, someone will pinch you. I don't quite understand that. Sounds pretty lame, if you ask me - and yet, I found myself looking over my shoulder a bit today, because like I said, I did not wear green. Generally, my roommate's girlfriend manages to keep things civil within the household, so my initial thought was that I would not be pinched, because she would keep a handle on things from getting out of hand. And yet still, one can never tell with the short curly haired girl roaming the premises.
As it turned out, the morning went off without a hitch. Everyone left for work and school, and I was paying attention to everyone and everything as they prepared to leave. Paranoia is not always a pathological thing! Self preservation is important, so I was keenly aware that some of the family had worn green and others had not. I made a note that those wearing green did not harass those who did not. I could have sworn that there would have been some type of pinching episode! But surprisingly there were none. Nothing. Nada! I thought to myself that this was probably a good sign. If they weren't teasing and pinching each other, I was more than likely in the clear. St. Patrick's Day was going to be a breeze! In fact, I was so relaxed after everyone had left that once I heard the last key in the door, I hit the couch, clicked on the television to catch the latest rerun of "In the Heat of the Night,"(because Archie Bunker as a police chief in Mississippi still amuses me to tearful laughter) and was soon taking a serious power nap. I had not worn green in recognition of St. Patrick's Day, but more importantly, I had not been pinched. In fact, I was starting to feel stupid for buying into the fear my roommate had tried to instill within me concerning the ritual pinching.
The hours past and I slept as contently as a rabbit in a patch of lush, green, and very green clover. Soon, I heard a key in the door and I knew I had to get up. However, I was in no hurry to vacate my couch just yet. I figured that I'd hang out a bit and hear about everybody's day before I got up to head outside. I heard nothing out of the ordinary from the reports of the day. Pretty mundane, ordinary stuff - and no reports of pinching surprisingly enough. I was encouraged!
I had finally resolved to get up to make myself useful when it happened. I was feeling pretty good about avoiding the unusually cruel punishment for my blatant St. Patrick's Day wardrobe violation. Yes, it was confirmed - my roommate was, is, and always will be an idiot. Pinching. Whatev!
I was right in the middle of one of those long, almost painful, cleansing stretches after an eight hour power nap when I was violently flattened back onto the couch! My first reaction was complete surprise and fear. What had just happened to me? Something was crushing me deep into the couch cushions! I thought that perhaps my decision to not wear green today was about to be punished. I shook the cobwebs from my head quickly and prepared myself to be pinched. However, instead of a pinch, my nostrils were filled with a putrid odor, and I heard a violent, spasmodic, wet, heavy breathing in my ear. What was this ambush? I remember thinking, "PINCH ME, ALREADY! JUST GET OFF OF ME!!" But the pinch never came. Instead, as I wriggled around to face my attacker, I was assaulted with a very wet, pink, tongue directly in my face.
Damn puggle.
I'd have rather been pinched.
As it turned out, the morning went off without a hitch. Everyone left for work and school, and I was paying attention to everyone and everything as they prepared to leave. Paranoia is not always a pathological thing! Self preservation is important, so I was keenly aware that some of the family had worn green and others had not. I made a note that those wearing green did not harass those who did not. I could have sworn that there would have been some type of pinching episode! But surprisingly there were none. Nothing. Nada! I thought to myself that this was probably a good sign. If they weren't teasing and pinching each other, I was more than likely in the clear. St. Patrick's Day was going to be a breeze! In fact, I was so relaxed after everyone had left that once I heard the last key in the door, I hit the couch, clicked on the television to catch the latest rerun of "In the Heat of the Night,"(because Archie Bunker as a police chief in Mississippi still amuses me to tearful laughter) and was soon taking a serious power nap. I had not worn green in recognition of St. Patrick's Day, but more importantly, I had not been pinched. In fact, I was starting to feel stupid for buying into the fear my roommate had tried to instill within me concerning the ritual pinching.
The hours past and I slept as contently as a rabbit in a patch of lush, green, and very green clover. Soon, I heard a key in the door and I knew I had to get up. However, I was in no hurry to vacate my couch just yet. I figured that I'd hang out a bit and hear about everybody's day before I got up to head outside. I heard nothing out of the ordinary from the reports of the day. Pretty mundane, ordinary stuff - and no reports of pinching surprisingly enough. I was encouraged!
I had finally resolved to get up to make myself useful when it happened. I was feeling pretty good about avoiding the unusually cruel punishment for my blatant St. Patrick's Day wardrobe violation. Yes, it was confirmed - my roommate was, is, and always will be an idiot. Pinching. Whatev!
I was right in the middle of one of those long, almost painful, cleansing stretches after an eight hour power nap when I was violently flattened back onto the couch! My first reaction was complete surprise and fear. What had just happened to me? Something was crushing me deep into the couch cushions! I thought that perhaps my decision to not wear green today was about to be punished. I shook the cobwebs from my head quickly and prepared myself to be pinched. However, instead of a pinch, my nostrils were filled with a putrid odor, and I heard a violent, spasmodic, wet, heavy breathing in my ear. What was this ambush? I remember thinking, "PINCH ME, ALREADY! JUST GET OFF OF ME!!" But the pinch never came. Instead, as I wriggled around to face my attacker, I was assaulted with a very wet, pink, tongue directly in my face.
Damn puggle.
I'd have rather been pinched.
Monday, March 16, 2009
8 Months of silence
8 months of silence will be broken tonight out of necessity. Allow me to elaborate: my roommate's girlfriend has been all over him about his blog. HIS blog? Excuse me? No, no, no, no. HIS computer - MY blog!!
"Where is the blog? My friends miss it. My mother misses it. The tall kid misses it." Blah, blah, blah. Seriously. My roommate's girlfriend confronts him at least four times a week wondering about the D.C.'s World blog. Where is it? Why did it go away? We all luuuv it! How come it's gone. (And again . . . ) - Blah, Blah, Blah. Like my roommate has ANYTHING to do with my blog. HA!
Jeesh. Let's reflect on a few things, shall we? The last time I posted anything, summer break was in full swing, the puggle beast was inside the house, the baby was crawling and grabbing with the efficiency and effectiveness of a bulldoziarian-type robotic claw monster, the taller kid was walking from room to room with a brand new guitar playing unintelligible (if not painful) "chord" progressions, and the short curly haired girl was working on and improving her vocabulary and object permanence association skills : hit! chase! no! stomp! hit! chase! In my mind, I could only believe that in her subconsciousness she could only be generating and figuring out words like: kill, smother, torture, mutilate, and maim.
I had to take a break, people. I had to lay low. I couldn't stick around waiting to be injured, harmed, or even killed.
The baby walks now; the tall kid now can play Bon Jovi on guitar, the short curly haired girl speaks in complete sentences, the short kid with glasses and the tall pretty girl continue to seem harmless, but you never really know.
I had to lay low for awhile in order to keep it all together. Craziness, folks. Craziness. I hope you all understand - or at least accept - my hiatus.
More later. I promise.
"Where is the blog? My friends miss it. My mother misses it. The tall kid misses it." Blah, blah, blah. Seriously. My roommate's girlfriend confronts him at least four times a week wondering about the D.C.'s World blog. Where is it? Why did it go away? We all luuuv it! How come it's gone. (And again . . . ) - Blah, Blah, Blah. Like my roommate has ANYTHING to do with my blog. HA!
Jeesh. Let's reflect on a few things, shall we? The last time I posted anything, summer break was in full swing, the puggle beast was inside the house, the baby was crawling and grabbing with the efficiency and effectiveness of a bulldoziarian-type robotic claw monster, the taller kid was walking from room to room with a brand new guitar playing unintelligible (if not painful) "chord" progressions, and the short curly haired girl was working on and improving her vocabulary and object permanence association skills : hit! chase! no! stomp! hit! chase! In my mind, I could only believe that in her subconsciousness she could only be generating and figuring out words like: kill, smother, torture, mutilate, and maim.
I had to take a break, people. I had to lay low. I couldn't stick around waiting to be injured, harmed, or even killed.
The baby walks now; the tall kid now can play Bon Jovi on guitar, the short curly haired girl speaks in complete sentences, the short kid with glasses and the tall pretty girl continue to seem harmless, but you never really know.
I had to lay low for awhile in order to keep it all together. Craziness, folks. Craziness. I hope you all understand - or at least accept - my hiatus.
More later. I promise.
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