Just this past Thursday, my roommate was exclaiming to his girlfriend how messy their closet was in the master bedroom. He was going on and on about how there was a ton of junk in the closet that they had not worn or used in years. He suggested that the closet should be cleaned out and that the useless items could be donated to the local Community Closet. The girlfriend concurred that something needed to be done, and she would be happy to help in the clean up project. In fact, she even believed that the other closets in the house could be cleaned out as well.
I commonly eavesdrop on my roommate's conversations with his girlfriend. I usually find their exchanges to be comical. He usually will say stuff that he doesn't really mean, and she will usually pretend like she believes him when she really doesn't. For instance: Roommate- I'm going to start going to bed earlier at night to get more sleep. Girlfriend- Good idea, honey. You'll feel better in the mornings after a good nights sleep. Remember not to set your alarm tonight, because you never hear it in the morning, and it is really annoying. Or, Roommate- I think I'm going to start a little diet to lose some weight. Girlfriend- I think you'll feel better about yourself if you do. It's late though, and I'm going to sleep. Don't eat all the ice cream tonight - save some for the short kid with glasses. He hasn't had any out of that carton yet.
However, my roommate seemed to have a certain conviction in his voice when he spoke of the out of control closet. I actually believed that he meant what he said this time. His girlfriend believed him, too, because she got excited about his new found incentive to clean up the house.
They eventually left the bedroom to begin the day and to wake up all the kids. My roommate's passionate declaration regarding the closet left me strangely inspired, and I was overwhelmed with an indescribable desire to assist in this newly stated project. So, I entered the closet myself to see where I could pitch in to help.
Some people would call me vertically challenged, and I readily accept that label, because truthfully, I am not the tallest male on the block! Therefore, I decided to start low in the closet. I crawled into the deepest corner of the closet to begin my self-appointed cleaning responsibilities. There in the back right hand corner of the closet, I found a really soft blanket that I had not seen in years! The blanket was truly inviting and I found myself drawn to it. Kicking some shoes, flip-flops, and a couple of ball caps out of the way, I stretched out on the blanket. It felt soooooo comfortable! I closed my eyes for what seemed like only a moment to relish the sensation of the hidden blanket, and before I knew it, I was asleep.
That was the soundest nap I had taken in months! I eventually emerged from the closet to an empty house. Everyone was gone, but I didn't find that to be unusual at all. My roommate was most certainly at work, and the girlfriend had more than likely taken the kids to the pool. I headed into the kitchen for a little food and drink, and then hopped onto the couch for some television. I must have fallen asleep again, because when I woke up, it was dark outside. I got off the couch and realized that the family was still gone. No problem, though. They probably were at the grandparent's house. I went downstairs and checked on the stupid dogs. They were fine - dumb as ever. I eventually returned to the closet to begin cleaning things out, but the mesmerizing blanket beckoned me yet again. I curled up on that thing again, and BOOM! I was asleep again.
Apparently, three days later, the back door swung open and there stood my roommate holding a huge duffel bag. He greeted me with a hearty "hello" and then asked me if I had missed everyone. I was quite confused, however things became clear to me soon. The entire family had left for Atlanta Thursday to visit some friends while I was asleep.
Dang. I knew that they had been gone for an unusually long time . . . .
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Don't Get Around Much Anymore
Almost a month has passed since my last entry from my world. My apologies. However, I've been busy. School has let out for the summer for starters. That means that the kids have been constantly underfoot. Plus, I mentioned earlier the acquisition of a new family puppy? The puggle has run amuck making my life extremely complicated. Writing on the computer has not been high up on my list of priorities lately.
I try to stay out of the way these days. The house is like a circus with everyone home for the summer. The tall kid never sleeps in his bed - he just moves from couch to couch to sleep. The short kid with glasses and the taller pretty girl are thick as thieves and I can't ever keep straight where they will sleep anymore. One night they are in her room, one night they are in his room, one night they are on couches . . . if the tall kid hasn't fallen asleep there yet. The short curly haired girl still sleeps in her bed, at least.
I have my routines and when summertime arrives, my routines are severely compromised. The televisions are now used for talk shows, cartoons, Barney, and video games. Heaven forbid I should ever try to watch Sportscenter or Animal Planet! My roommate's girlfriend takes naps during the time I like to take naps and in exactly the same place I like to sleep in the afternoons. About the only two folks in the house who aren't getting on my nerves and getting in my way are my roommate and the baby.
Oh, I'm sure I'll get over myself soon enough. Of course, as soon as I get used to the summer routine, school will start again. Sometimes I wonder why I keep all these people around . . . !
I try to stay out of the way these days. The house is like a circus with everyone home for the summer. The tall kid never sleeps in his bed - he just moves from couch to couch to sleep. The short kid with glasses and the taller pretty girl are thick as thieves and I can't ever keep straight where they will sleep anymore. One night they are in her room, one night they are in his room, one night they are on couches . . . if the tall kid hasn't fallen asleep there yet. The short curly haired girl still sleeps in her bed, at least.
I have my routines and when summertime arrives, my routines are severely compromised. The televisions are now used for talk shows, cartoons, Barney, and video games. Heaven forbid I should ever try to watch Sportscenter or Animal Planet! My roommate's girlfriend takes naps during the time I like to take naps and in exactly the same place I like to sleep in the afternoons. About the only two folks in the house who aren't getting on my nerves and getting in my way are my roommate and the baby.
Oh, I'm sure I'll get over myself soon enough. Of course, as soon as I get used to the summer routine, school will start again. Sometimes I wonder why I keep all these people around . . . !
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The tall kid is gone tonight, and it is a school night. He and some of his classmates are going on a field trip tomorrow morning. I think they are going to the space museum in Huntsville, AL. Boring. I'd rather go to the aquarium in Chattanooga. That would be much more interesting and entertaining! All those fish? Swimming around right in front of your face in those big celling to floor tanks? I mean, c'mon! How awesome would that be? I'd be mesmerized for hours, I just know it! At any rate, the tall kid is gone - spending the night with some other kid so they can catch the bus around 5:30 in the morning. Apparently, when the class gets back home late tomorrow night, the tall kid is going to bring home a couple of his friends to spend the night over here. Oh joy.
I just came back from checking on the taller pretty girl. I heard her coughing in her sleep, and I figured I'd go see if she was okay. Her television was on and tuned in to Disney (gag), and she was asleep and snoring. I was looking for the remote control to turn off the TV when I noticed that this crazy kid had fallen asleep with bed's comforter wrapped around her head. How in the world was she breathing? I gently peeled the covering off her head. Nuts, I'm telling you! Who sleeps like that? I mean, really! Where did she learn such odd habits? And then I went to check in on my roommate's girlfriend and the little baby. I immediately had my answer concerning the taller pretty girl.
I saw the baby sleeping soundly, and I swear she was smiling! Probably dreaming about the short curly haired girl not being around . . . And then I noticed the girlfriend. At once I thought I had intruded on her privacy, because she was not lying down. Rather, she was propped up on her elbows with her face staring at the head board of the bed. I was nervous because I didn't want her to think that I was some kind of a creep sneaking into her room. After all, I was just checking in on folks to make sure they were sleeping well before I turned in for the night. But then I realized that I heard snoring. It sounded familiar to me, and as I stood there inside the room, I realized that the snoring sounded a lot like the girlfriend. So, I quietly crept closer to the bed to investigate. As I grew closer, I figured out that it was indeed the girlfriend snoring! She was sound asleep propped up on her elbows. All she needed to complete the similarity with her daughter was to have a blanket draped over her head.
And I thought I was going to be accused of being creepy . . . !
I just came back from checking on the taller pretty girl. I heard her coughing in her sleep, and I figured I'd go see if she was okay. Her television was on and tuned in to Disney (gag), and she was asleep and snoring. I was looking for the remote control to turn off the TV when I noticed that this crazy kid had fallen asleep with bed's comforter wrapped around her head. How in the world was she breathing? I gently peeled the covering off her head. Nuts, I'm telling you! Who sleeps like that? I mean, really! Where did she learn such odd habits? And then I went to check in on my roommate's girlfriend and the little baby. I immediately had my answer concerning the taller pretty girl.
I saw the baby sleeping soundly, and I swear she was smiling! Probably dreaming about the short curly haired girl not being around . . . And then I noticed the girlfriend. At once I thought I had intruded on her privacy, because she was not lying down. Rather, she was propped up on her elbows with her face staring at the head board of the bed. I was nervous because I didn't want her to think that I was some kind of a creep sneaking into her room. After all, I was just checking in on folks to make sure they were sleeping well before I turned in for the night. But then I realized that I heard snoring. It sounded familiar to me, and as I stood there inside the room, I realized that the snoring sounded a lot like the girlfriend. So, I quietly crept closer to the bed to investigate. As I grew closer, I figured out that it was indeed the girlfriend snoring! She was sound asleep propped up on her elbows. All she needed to complete the similarity with her daughter was to have a blanket draped over her head.
And I thought I was going to be accused of being creepy . . . !
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Today was Wednesday. That means that I was alone for the majority of the day. Wednesday is a big day for the family - work, school, and then church. I don't go to church. I get enough God by myself on my daily nature walks. But I digress . . .
On days like today, my mind wanders to random things. My solitude sometimes encourages me to ponder the obscure things that life tosses my way. For instance:
1. Why does Gene Simmons have a reality show?
2. Hurricanes suck.
3. Kathie Lee Gifford is back on television. Really? Isn't that like Barney hosting Meet the Press on Sunday mornings?
4. I'll bet during all her hours on her T.V. show Julia Child never once said, "BAM!"
5 Why does the medical examiner on CSI Miami always talk to dead people as if they were still alive?
6. Speaking of CSI, how much money is paid to the surviving members of The Who these days?
7. Instead of claiming that they can find God in serene places, why don't people just admit that worship and church isn't too high on their personal list of priorities these days? Wimps!
8. Does the combination of pop rocks candy and cola really make your stomach explode?
9. What would the graphics for Grand Theft Auto look like if the game was made available for the Atari 2600?
10. Is there really a better video game than Pitfall?
11. How long does it take to peel a grape?
12. People will watch anything on T.V. Proof? Dancing With the Stars.
13. The commercials where the women's room sign hops off the door to talk to incontinent people about medicating themselves is really creepy. I'd rather wet my pants.
14. What is Barbara Walter's deal?
15. Just for kicks, I think it would be funny if Chipper Jones started to insist that his baseball cards used his Christian name - Larry.
Time for bed. I hope the "thwack, thwack" sound from the rubber hose beating that mop headed kid from American Idol doesn't keep me awake! (Heh-heh)!
On days like today, my mind wanders to random things. My solitude sometimes encourages me to ponder the obscure things that life tosses my way. For instance:
1. Why does Gene Simmons have a reality show?
2. Hurricanes suck.
3. Kathie Lee Gifford is back on television. Really? Isn't that like Barney hosting Meet the Press on Sunday mornings?
4. I'll bet during all her hours on her T.V. show Julia Child never once said, "BAM!"
5 Why does the medical examiner on CSI Miami always talk to dead people as if they were still alive?
6. Speaking of CSI, how much money is paid to the surviving members of The Who these days?
7. Instead of claiming that they can find God in serene places, why don't people just admit that worship and church isn't too high on their personal list of priorities these days? Wimps!
8. Does the combination of pop rocks candy and cola really make your stomach explode?
9. What would the graphics for Grand Theft Auto look like if the game was made available for the Atari 2600?
10. Is there really a better video game than Pitfall?
11. How long does it take to peel a grape?
12. People will watch anything on T.V. Proof? Dancing With the Stars.
13. The commercials where the women's room sign hops off the door to talk to incontinent people about medicating themselves is really creepy. I'd rather wet my pants.
14. What is Barbara Walter's deal?
15. Just for kicks, I think it would be funny if Chipper Jones started to insist that his baseball cards used his Christian name - Larry.
Time for bed. I hope the "thwack, thwack" sound from the rubber hose beating that mop headed kid from American Idol doesn't keep me awake! (Heh-heh)!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
My roommate's girlfriend keeps watching American Idol, and I don't understand why. Granted, the first couple of weeks of the show is entertaining with all the auditions and craziness - but why keep watching it all the way into May? Over the years, it seems to me that the truly talented kids don't win.
Tonight, as I tried to nap on the couch, some schmuck decided that it would be a good idea to sing "Hungry Like the Wolf." The genre tonight was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Why, for the love of everything sacred, would you pick freakin' Duran Duran out of all the artists that are currently in the Hall. (Duran Duran? In the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Really)? I mean seriously! There are only four contestants left in the competition and this moron sings a Duran Duran song. The only other choice that would have been more ridiculous would have been a selection from the Human League, although I'm fairly sure those ding-a-lings aren't even on most Karaoke machines, let alone the Hall of Fame!
Of course, the extremely annoying mop head looking kid sounded like he was singing out of his butt tonight. He actually forgot words to a Bob Dylan song. Honestly - how do you forget Bob Dylan lyrics? Just make up some crap and sing it! I'm pretty sure that's what old Bob does, and he's singing his own tunes! Mop head's performance tonight was mildly reassuring though, because come tomorrow night, he is probably on his way back home to Texas, where hopefully some big, close minded, hateful, cowboy will beat him senseless with a rubber hose merely because he embarrassed the Lone Star state. I'd grab my roommate's cell phone to vote for that! (Of course, there is probably a gaggle of prepubescent girls out there who think mop head is too dreamy to vote off the show, and they will jam cell phone towers all over the continental United States to keep him on the show just to see him next week get on stage and butcher yet another song while smiling his "I just got free ice cream" smile during the entire performance).
Hmmmm! Let's see . . . Sean Cassidy or Paul McCartney?
Gimme a break!
At least my roommate's girlfriend doesn't watch Dancing With the Stars!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Deception
Some folks might call me a bad patient. I don't like doctors very much. I don't like being around people when I'm sick. And I especially don't like taking medicine - regardless of the fact that it can make me feel better and make me well again. I get restless. I'm grumpy. I have no patience for anything or with anybody.
Recently, as I have mentioned, I've been fighting a recurring UTI. The doctor told me I had to take shots to get well. Obviously, I can't give the shots to myself. In fact, I can't even imagine giving myself a shot. I have a deep admiration for those who have to administer shots to themselves on a daily basis; I'm just not one of those people!! I have to rely on my roommate or his girlfriend to give me my shots. Granted, I don't make it easy on them. I squirm and wiggle. I spit, hiss, and complain like there is no tomorrow, but at least when it is time for me to get medicated, I eventually let it happen.
Here's the thing, though. A few days ago, the girlfriend decides that she no longer wants to put up with the shenanigans that accompany me being medicated. She apparently decided that the best way to administer my shots was through deception. She sneaks up on me now, shot in hand, and virtually attacks me with medicine. My roommate is not even involved anymore with the procedure. Obviously, she can't wait around for him to be available for the twice daily ambushes. A clever fox, the girlfriend is.
For example, just yesterday I had been outside for a walk. The sun was bright and the day was absolutely gorgeous. I finished my walk and came home. In a moment that I obviously misinterpreted as the girlfriend's hospitality, she opened the back door for me to welcome me home. It was a nice gesture, to be sure, and I didn't think anything of it at the time. She even asked me if I would like something to drink, and I followed her into the kitchen, because after my walk, I was thirsty. As I stood in the kitchen enjoying my cool drink, two hands seized me from behind!
I would have lunged to get away, but as startled as I was, the water that I had been sipping was violently thrust into my lungs and I began to choke. I writhed around and twisted my head around to see what was happening to me just as the girlfriend gave me a shot. I was mortified to say the least! However, the girlfriend seemed to be all too proud of herself. So proud, in fact that she now sneaks up on me daily to give me my shots. My roommate is completely out of the shot giving equation now.
Ah! The deceptive and equally as sneaky girlfriend haunts my dreams! But I will have my revenge, and it will be sweet!
Recently, as I have mentioned, I've been fighting a recurring UTI. The doctor told me I had to take shots to get well. Obviously, I can't give the shots to myself. In fact, I can't even imagine giving myself a shot. I have a deep admiration for those who have to administer shots to themselves on a daily basis; I'm just not one of those people!! I have to rely on my roommate or his girlfriend to give me my shots. Granted, I don't make it easy on them. I squirm and wiggle. I spit, hiss, and complain like there is no tomorrow, but at least when it is time for me to get medicated, I eventually let it happen.
Here's the thing, though. A few days ago, the girlfriend decides that she no longer wants to put up with the shenanigans that accompany me being medicated. She apparently decided that the best way to administer my shots was through deception. She sneaks up on me now, shot in hand, and virtually attacks me with medicine. My roommate is not even involved anymore with the procedure. Obviously, she can't wait around for him to be available for the twice daily ambushes. A clever fox, the girlfriend is.
For example, just yesterday I had been outside for a walk. The sun was bright and the day was absolutely gorgeous. I finished my walk and came home. In a moment that I obviously misinterpreted as the girlfriend's hospitality, she opened the back door for me to welcome me home. It was a nice gesture, to be sure, and I didn't think anything of it at the time. She even asked me if I would like something to drink, and I followed her into the kitchen, because after my walk, I was thirsty. As I stood in the kitchen enjoying my cool drink, two hands seized me from behind!
I would have lunged to get away, but as startled as I was, the water that I had been sipping was violently thrust into my lungs and I began to choke. I writhed around and twisted my head around to see what was happening to me just as the girlfriend gave me a shot. I was mortified to say the least! However, the girlfriend seemed to be all too proud of herself. So proud, in fact that she now sneaks up on me daily to give me my shots. My roommate is completely out of the shot giving equation now.
Ah! The deceptive and equally as sneaky girlfriend haunts my dreams! But I will have my revenge, and it will be sweet!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Call me a doctor!
I just can't seem to shake this urinary tract infection. It really has got me down. I feel terrible all of the time. I spent most of the morning, in fact, napping in the kitchen with that confounded puggle pestering me non-stop. It would yip in my ear and then nip at my face and hands. I felt too bad to move away or even to try to stop him. Believe it or not, the short curly haired girl finally came to my rescue and grabbed the little puggle. I would have thanked her, but she was too busy trying to stuff him into her purse.
As the morning wore on, I eventually made my way into the den to nap on the couch. It was here that I witnessed the most bizarre thing! Rather than tell you outright what I saw, I think I will riddle you instead.
What is this? "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!!"
Give up?
It was the retarded blue jay on my balcony today who spent the better part of an hour hopping up and down the balcony rail and then flying full speed into the window of my den.
Stupid bird.
As the morning wore on, I eventually made my way into the den to nap on the couch. It was here that I witnessed the most bizarre thing! Rather than tell you outright what I saw, I think I will riddle you instead.
What is this? "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, flutter, BANG!!"
Give up?
It was the retarded blue jay on my balcony today who spent the better part of an hour hopping up and down the balcony rail and then flying full speed into the window of my den.
Stupid bird.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Definitions
puggle: deceptively sticky patches of mud and goo left behind after rainwater evaporates out of muddle puddles. I lost one of my shoes in a puggle when I walked across a field after last week's rain storm.
puggle: a hardened, crust-like shell found in the corner of the human eye after mucus dries. The short, curly haired, girl was ready to go to school after the roommate cleaned the puggle out of her eye.
puggle: the act of sneaking snack foods into an area that restricts food or drink. The taller pretty girl and the short kid with glasses frequently puggle their popcorn into the living room to watch movies.
puggle: a parasitic insect that thrives in cool, damp, environments. The exterminator told us that the puggles in the basement would no longer be a problem after he fumigated.
puggle: a small, beagle, pug, canine, hybrid that typically invade otherwise stable home environments; bringing with them constant yapping, razor sharp teeth, and incontinent issues that only a urologist and plumber can address. The puggle barked in my ear while I tried to eat my breakfast. Upon trying to discipline the puggle, it bit my arm and urinated on the carpet beneath my ceral bowl.
Just when this household couldn't get more annoying . . .
puggle: a hardened, crust-like shell found in the corner of the human eye after mucus dries. The short, curly haired, girl was ready to go to school after the roommate cleaned the puggle out of her eye.
puggle: the act of sneaking snack foods into an area that restricts food or drink. The taller pretty girl and the short kid with glasses frequently puggle their popcorn into the living room to watch movies.
puggle: a parasitic insect that thrives in cool, damp, environments. The exterminator told us that the puggles in the basement would no longer be a problem after he fumigated.
puggle: a small, beagle, pug, canine, hybrid that typically invade otherwise stable home environments; bringing with them constant yapping, razor sharp teeth, and incontinent issues that only a urologist and plumber can address. The puggle barked in my ear while I tried to eat my breakfast. Upon trying to discipline the puggle, it bit my arm and urinated on the carpet beneath my ceral bowl.
Just when this household couldn't get more annoying . . .
Monday, April 28, 2008
Hiatus
So I've been on hiatus lately. However, I have several excellent excuses. None of them really matter, though, and besides, who cares? I rarely have anything important to say.
I had mentioned earlier that I have been disturbed with the happenings around the house lately. Specifically, I mentioned a Doberman incident? Let me give you the low down on that real quick, because I am still shuddering!
While I was minding my own business last Wednesday afternoon, I found myself strolling around in the front yard, inspecting the flower beds, and trying to decide on what to plant this spring. Schools had let out for the afternoon - my roommate's girlfriend had come home with most of her kids, and random school buses were rolling up and down the street in front of our house. I saw my roommate turn the corner heading for the driveway with the short curly haired girl in the backseat. I winced a bit at the sight of her return home, but I didn't think much about it because I was outside enjoying my yard. (She is not allowed in the front yard). Yes, the end of the work day was near, and things appeared to be normal.
As I was investigating an azalea bush that needed to be uprooted, I heard the familiar screech of the school bus that our neighbors ride. Usually, they get off the bus and head home, but something was different this day. All the kids on the bus were hanging out of the window - hollering, screaming . . . hollering. I looked up and saw the chunky kid from next door running as fast as he could (which, by the way, wasn't that fast . . . ) in the opposite direction of his house. Instead, he was running straight towards OUR house through OUR yard. Instantly, I knew something was wrong because he was screaming something about Jesus helping him as he literally ran right out of his shoes! His school books and papers made a breadcrumb trail from the curb straight through our yard.
I could not see from what he was running, so being curious by nature, I crept around the corner of the house to get a better look. As I rounded the corner, I heard the sound of feet ripping across the yard. I heard a frantic panting sound, and I knew it wasn't the overweight, asthmatic neighbor kid, because he was hiding in our garage already. No, it was quite simply the largeST, DAMN, DOBERMAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HEADING RIGHT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I ran faster than I thought imaginable, my life passed before my eyes. I actually felt the beast's hot, damp, breath on my rear as I headed to find refuge in the garage next to our hyperventilating neighbor. I saw my roommate making me breakfast and potty training me. I saw his girlfriend reading me story books while the taller pretty girl laid on the bed listening in. I saw the short kid with glasses locking me in the bathroom. I saw the short curly haired girl beating me with plastic baby dolls and whiffle ball bats -- my entire life! Flashing right before my eyes!!
Thankfully, it turned out that my roommate had not made it inside the house by the time I made it to the garage. He must be some type of an idiot, too, because he was standing out in the driveway trying to calm down the dog! Truth be told, though, he was also some type of angel, because he saved my life - not to mention the life of our petrified neighbor (who, by the way, kept clamoring on and on about Jesus, his momma, and either one or both of the aforementioned saving him)!
I ran inside before the entire incident ended, but apparently there were more theatrics that happened before the Doberman from hell went home. The short curly haired girl was trapped in the van the whole time the dog was running about, and when my roommate finally got her into the house, the dog ran inside after him. Also, in the midst of all the confusion, the taller pretty girl wandered outside holding her new puppy. The Doberman ran circles around her and she just giggled, and asked, "Daddy? Who's big doggie is this?" - completely oblivious to the fact that to the brutal stray canine, she was merely a big, juicy, doggie treat on legs. All in all, it was a pretty frightening afternoon . . . but we made it . . . barely.
And yes, I said new puppy. Won't my roommate ever learn how to say "no" to the girlfriend?
Alas, it is late and I must slumber now. Tomorrow though, I promise to introduce you to Maximus Decimus Aurelius - the puppy straight from Satan's backyard.
I had mentioned earlier that I have been disturbed with the happenings around the house lately. Specifically, I mentioned a Doberman incident? Let me give you the low down on that real quick, because I am still shuddering!
While I was minding my own business last Wednesday afternoon, I found myself strolling around in the front yard, inspecting the flower beds, and trying to decide on what to plant this spring. Schools had let out for the afternoon - my roommate's girlfriend had come home with most of her kids, and random school buses were rolling up and down the street in front of our house. I saw my roommate turn the corner heading for the driveway with the short curly haired girl in the backseat. I winced a bit at the sight of her return home, but I didn't think much about it because I was outside enjoying my yard. (She is not allowed in the front yard). Yes, the end of the work day was near, and things appeared to be normal.
As I was investigating an azalea bush that needed to be uprooted, I heard the familiar screech of the school bus that our neighbors ride. Usually, they get off the bus and head home, but something was different this day. All the kids on the bus were hanging out of the window - hollering, screaming . . . hollering. I looked up and saw the chunky kid from next door running as fast as he could (which, by the way, wasn't that fast . . . ) in the opposite direction of his house. Instead, he was running straight towards OUR house through OUR yard. Instantly, I knew something was wrong because he was screaming something about Jesus helping him as he literally ran right out of his shoes! His school books and papers made a breadcrumb trail from the curb straight through our yard.
I could not see from what he was running, so being curious by nature, I crept around the corner of the house to get a better look. As I rounded the corner, I heard the sound of feet ripping across the yard. I heard a frantic panting sound, and I knew it wasn't the overweight, asthmatic neighbor kid, because he was hiding in our garage already. No, it was quite simply the largeST, DAMN, DOBERMAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HEADING RIGHT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I ran faster than I thought imaginable, my life passed before my eyes. I actually felt the beast's hot, damp, breath on my rear as I headed to find refuge in the garage next to our hyperventilating neighbor. I saw my roommate making me breakfast and potty training me. I saw his girlfriend reading me story books while the taller pretty girl laid on the bed listening in. I saw the short kid with glasses locking me in the bathroom. I saw the short curly haired girl beating me with plastic baby dolls and whiffle ball bats -- my entire life! Flashing right before my eyes!!
Thankfully, it turned out that my roommate had not made it inside the house by the time I made it to the garage. He must be some type of an idiot, too, because he was standing out in the driveway trying to calm down the dog! Truth be told, though, he was also some type of angel, because he saved my life - not to mention the life of our petrified neighbor (who, by the way, kept clamoring on and on about Jesus, his momma, and either one or both of the aforementioned saving him)!
I ran inside before the entire incident ended, but apparently there were more theatrics that happened before the Doberman from hell went home. The short curly haired girl was trapped in the van the whole time the dog was running about, and when my roommate finally got her into the house, the dog ran inside after him. Also, in the midst of all the confusion, the taller pretty girl wandered outside holding her new puppy. The Doberman ran circles around her and she just giggled, and asked, "Daddy? Who's big doggie is this?" - completely oblivious to the fact that to the brutal stray canine, she was merely a big, juicy, doggie treat on legs. All in all, it was a pretty frightening afternoon . . . but we made it . . . barely.
And yes, I said new puppy. Won't my roommate ever learn how to say "no" to the girlfriend?
Alas, it is late and I must slumber now. Tomorrow though, I promise to introduce you to Maximus Decimus Aurelius - the puppy straight from Satan's backyard.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I am not well. In fact, I'm downright bad off these days. I know I haven't posted in almost a week, and for that, I am truly apologetic, but lately I've had issues - serious issues. In fact, if the truth were to be revealed, I haven't even been around the house lately. Lately, I don't even feel welcome there.
Let's start with tonight and work backwards, shall we? Around 8 or so this evening, I slipped back to the bedroom to go to sleep. Everyone else was awake, and I figured that I'd get a jump start on the household. Around 9 or so, the whole room started to shake. I shot straight up and looked around in the darkness. It sounded like a helicopter was landing on the roof! I was so startled I almost bumped my head on the bed. My roommate was nowhere to be found, which wasn't unusual as it wasn't late enough for him to be asleep yet. Again, the hideous noise ripped through the bedroom. I instinctively ducked as if a low flying object would buzz my head at any moment. The noise echoed in my ears and crescendoed into a vile sucking sound that nearly drove me mad. As I made my quick exit from the bedroom, my curiosity caused me to fling one last glance over my shoulder, and what I saw actually should have instantly calmed me, but instead, I was thrown into a state of sheer annoyance. The hell beast, helicopter, emerging vortex sound that jolted me out of a deep sleep was coming from my roommate's girlfriend. I guess I had been so tired that I didn't hear her come to bed.
Snoring. I used to have a dog whose snores rivaled the sounds of 18 wheeler accidents on busy freeways, but tonight, the girlfriend surpassed even the most sincere snoring efforts of that dog - may she rest in peace.
Actually, I'm still so flustered by my disturbed sleep, I don't feel as if I can continue to write tonight. This incident came at the end of an incredibly stressful day that included a chunky black kid, a ravenous, stray Doberman Pincher, a sweaty, screaming, curly haired girl, and a school bus full of screaming public school kids. I simply can't continue tonight. I must leave and pace around the balcony to calm my frazzled nerves.
I'll gather myself and continue tomorrow evening. (Even though you'll never believe it).
Let's start with tonight and work backwards, shall we? Around 8 or so this evening, I slipped back to the bedroom to go to sleep. Everyone else was awake, and I figured that I'd get a jump start on the household. Around 9 or so, the whole room started to shake. I shot straight up and looked around in the darkness. It sounded like a helicopter was landing on the roof! I was so startled I almost bumped my head on the bed. My roommate was nowhere to be found, which wasn't unusual as it wasn't late enough for him to be asleep yet. Again, the hideous noise ripped through the bedroom. I instinctively ducked as if a low flying object would buzz my head at any moment. The noise echoed in my ears and crescendoed into a vile sucking sound that nearly drove me mad. As I made my quick exit from the bedroom, my curiosity caused me to fling one last glance over my shoulder, and what I saw actually should have instantly calmed me, but instead, I was thrown into a state of sheer annoyance. The hell beast, helicopter, emerging vortex sound that jolted me out of a deep sleep was coming from my roommate's girlfriend. I guess I had been so tired that I didn't hear her come to bed.
Snoring. I used to have a dog whose snores rivaled the sounds of 18 wheeler accidents on busy freeways, but tonight, the girlfriend surpassed even the most sincere snoring efforts of that dog - may she rest in peace.
Actually, I'm still so flustered by my disturbed sleep, I don't feel as if I can continue to write tonight. This incident came at the end of an incredibly stressful day that included a chunky black kid, a ravenous, stray Doberman Pincher, a sweaty, screaming, curly haired girl, and a school bus full of screaming public school kids. I simply can't continue tonight. I must leave and pace around the balcony to calm my frazzled nerves.
I'll gather myself and continue tomorrow evening. (Even though you'll never believe it).
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Twilight Zone
Eye am knot smart. Cuz eye r stoopid. Eye lyke 2 dig n durt. Wen eye here a truk eye bark at it. Those dum truks cant scair me an my sister. Wee bark at em an make em leaf us alone. Eye lyke 2 eat stiks. Thair gud. Eye wish stiks wer maid of meet tho. That wud make em taste beter. The uther ting dat is stoopid is the comurshals about kows that try 2 git peeple 2 eat mor chikin. That is dum cuz kows cant rite or spel gud. Eye catched a skwurl.
But I digress . . .
How simply inane would it be if those foolish dogs could post blogs? A ludicrous notion to be sure!
But I digress . . .
How simply inane would it be if those foolish dogs could post blogs? A ludicrous notion to be sure!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Spring
Aw, man! What an awesome day! The temperature got up over 65, the sun was out, and there was a soft breeze. I love days like today! I hung out on the balcony for most of the day. I lounged in the sun and, just watched the outside world just happen before my eyes. Even the dumb dogs couldn't bother me today. I believe that even those mopes knew how awesome today was which held them in check for most of the day. Beautiful day; simply perfect.
If I knew how to play golf, I would have played today. If I knew how to play tennis, I would have reserved a court today. If I had a horseshoe set, I would have been pitching them in the backyard. I mean, today was so perfect, that if I actually had been pitching horseshoes, the dogs would have gotten in the way, and horseshoes would have bonked those dummies in the head.
I love spring! (And I need to get me some dang horseshoes . . . )!
If I knew how to play golf, I would have played today. If I knew how to play tennis, I would have reserved a court today. If I had a horseshoe set, I would have been pitching them in the backyard. I mean, today was so perfect, that if I actually had been pitching horseshoes, the dogs would have gotten in the way, and horseshoes would have bonked those dummies in the head.
I love spring! (And I need to get me some dang horseshoes . . . )!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Stone Face
It is the middle of April, and yet it is cold outside. Tonight was not as cold as last night, though. Last night, a record low temperature for this area was set at 28 degrees. It is a good 10 degrees warmer tonight, so I decided to take a walk. My roommate was gone to a meeting, and I figured when he came home, I would go back inside. He didn't return until almost 9 o'clock, but at the time, I didn't notice because I was tracking a cat.
I noticed it creeping into our driveway earlier this evening and I decided that I would scare it off. The cat was nosing around in our carport. He would randomly meow at stuff as he cautiously explored. I tried to sneak up on it, but I failed. It's hard to sneak up on a cat. It saw me and immediately it arched its back, backed into a corner and hissed at me. It was a pretty gutsy thing to do considering it was in MY carport. I decided to mock the cat, so I hissed back at it. The cat looked back at me with disdain. I thought about throwing something at it, but nothing was available.
Neither the cat nor I moved. He wouldn't budge, so neither would I. He growled at me once, and mockingly, I growled back. This stupid animal didn't know what to make of this stand off I had instigated. I honestly don't know how long I stared at this animal, but eventually I heard my roommate walk out of the balcony door. He called out for me, but I didn't answer him. I didn't want to blink in my battle of wills with the intruding cat. The tall kid walked outside next, and he started down the back stairs. The creaking of the stairs scared the cat and it quickly ran away. I'd like to think that I honestly won the battle, but I cannot fully embrace victory because I am certain that the tall kid's footsteps turned the tide.
Cats are dumb.
I noticed it creeping into our driveway earlier this evening and I decided that I would scare it off. The cat was nosing around in our carport. He would randomly meow at stuff as he cautiously explored. I tried to sneak up on it, but I failed. It's hard to sneak up on a cat. It saw me and immediately it arched its back, backed into a corner and hissed at me. It was a pretty gutsy thing to do considering it was in MY carport. I decided to mock the cat, so I hissed back at it. The cat looked back at me with disdain. I thought about throwing something at it, but nothing was available.
Neither the cat nor I moved. He wouldn't budge, so neither would I. He growled at me once, and mockingly, I growled back. This stupid animal didn't know what to make of this stand off I had instigated. I honestly don't know how long I stared at this animal, but eventually I heard my roommate walk out of the balcony door. He called out for me, but I didn't answer him. I didn't want to blink in my battle of wills with the intruding cat. The tall kid walked outside next, and he started down the back stairs. The creaking of the stairs scared the cat and it quickly ran away. I'd like to think that I honestly won the battle, but I cannot fully embrace victory because I am certain that the tall kid's footsteps turned the tide.
Cats are dumb.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Trick or Treat?
The best thing about being a lazy slob is the opportunity that it affords one to eavesdrop. If you are lazy enough, people will eventually forget that you are even there, and they will be comfortable enough to say anything. Over the years I've noticed how my roommate and his girlfriend behave when they need to talk about something "important," but they are unable to do so because "certain" people are present. They have their own unspoken language that is intended to be secretive to all except for them. They have gotten pretty efficient in getting people out of a room so they can talk. They are cool as the other side of the pillow when they utilize nonverbal communication skills in a room full of people. They understand each other completely without saying a word.
They think they are so clever, and truth be told, they really are. I have to give them credit. They've honed this skill to near perfection. They are deluded, however if they think that they have been able to fool me. A room can clear, but I am still there. They can smoothly make believable excuses to exit a room to find solitude together, but I follow. They think the coast is clear, so to speak, but I am always there. They pride themselves in the fact that they share a special confidentiality that not even the brightest intelligence expert could detect. They believe that they have secrets. They believe that nobody knows what they discuss in their most private moments.
HA!
I am the dust bunny under the bed. I am the neglected sock in the corner behind the bedroom door. I am the forgotten glass of water left on the bathroom counter. I am the penny that fell behind the dresser. I am the empty Kleenex box sitting on the bedside table. I hear everything they say. I interpret all of their body language. I know what is happening in this house. My roommate and his girlfriend are an open book. They think they are so smart! HA! They have no secrets! They can hide nothing from me!
Now if I could only figure out the short curly haired girl so well.
Honestly - I never saw that plastic jack-o-lantern coming; nor did I ever believe she could actually get my whole head inside of it . . .
They think they are so clever, and truth be told, they really are. I have to give them credit. They've honed this skill to near perfection. They are deluded, however if they think that they have been able to fool me. A room can clear, but I am still there. They can smoothly make believable excuses to exit a room to find solitude together, but I follow. They think the coast is clear, so to speak, but I am always there. They pride themselves in the fact that they share a special confidentiality that not even the brightest intelligence expert could detect. They believe that they have secrets. They believe that nobody knows what they discuss in their most private moments.
HA!
I am the dust bunny under the bed. I am the neglected sock in the corner behind the bedroom door. I am the forgotten glass of water left on the bathroom counter. I am the penny that fell behind the dresser. I am the empty Kleenex box sitting on the bedside table. I hear everything they say. I interpret all of their body language. I know what is happening in this house. My roommate and his girlfriend are an open book. They think they are so smart! HA! They have no secrets! They can hide nothing from me!
Now if I could only figure out the short curly haired girl so well.
Honestly - I never saw that plastic jack-o-lantern coming; nor did I ever believe she could actually get my whole head inside of it . . .
Sunday, April 13, 2008
And then, nothing happened . . . !
I haven't posted since Thursday. There's no reason for it other than I haven't felt like writing recently. Sometimes I feel like that - like not doing anything. People all around me can be engaged in all sorts of activity, but I have the ability to ignore it all. The girlfriend often likes to sit around and do nothing, but she always feels guilty and eventually will get up and do something. My roommate is more like me, but even he can't sit completely still for three straight days doing absolutely nothing productive at all.
Friday was boring. The short curly haired girl went to school which ordinarily doesn't happen on Fridays, so that was an added bonus. The short kid with glasses stayed home, though. He had to go to the doctor to get a hard cast put on his broken arm. I had thought about running a few errands in the neighborhood while my roommate and the kid were at the doctor, but I wanted to catch The View, so I stayed inside on the couch. The key in the door woke me up around noon, and I realized that I had missed my show. Oh well.
Around 12:30 or so, my roommate and the short kid with glasses and a red cast left again. They were headed to get some lunch. I opted not to go. I don't do hamburgers. Besides, I wanted to watch Law and Order re-runs, so I stayed on the couch. The key in the door woke me up around 3:30 or so, and I realized that I had missed another show. Oh well.
The whole family left the house around 5 or so to go out to eat with Grandma and Grandpa roommate. I wasn't invited, so I stuck around on the couch to watch the local six o'clock news. The key in the door woke me up around 7. I missed the news. Oh well.
Saturday was a blur. I went outside a couple of times, but for the most part, I stayed inside and napped off and on throughout the day in the boy's room. Later that evening, some woman came over to the house and she brought with her a little kid roughly the same age as the short curly haired girl. Those two were hell on wheels! I simply could not take the noise and danger that they produced, so I slipped into the roommate's room and took a nap.
Later that night, my roommate woke me up digging around in his closet. I looked up to see what the commotion was all about, and I quickly realized that there was sunlight squeezing through the blinds in the bedroom. Dang. It was already Sunday.
Monday is coming.
Friday was boring. The short curly haired girl went to school which ordinarily doesn't happen on Fridays, so that was an added bonus. The short kid with glasses stayed home, though. He had to go to the doctor to get a hard cast put on his broken arm. I had thought about running a few errands in the neighborhood while my roommate and the kid were at the doctor, but I wanted to catch The View, so I stayed inside on the couch. The key in the door woke me up around noon, and I realized that I had missed my show. Oh well.
Around 12:30 or so, my roommate and the short kid with glasses and a red cast left again. They were headed to get some lunch. I opted not to go. I don't do hamburgers. Besides, I wanted to watch Law and Order re-runs, so I stayed on the couch. The key in the door woke me up around 3:30 or so, and I realized that I had missed another show. Oh well.
The whole family left the house around 5 or so to go out to eat with Grandma and Grandpa roommate. I wasn't invited, so I stuck around on the couch to watch the local six o'clock news. The key in the door woke me up around 7. I missed the news. Oh well.
Saturday was a blur. I went outside a couple of times, but for the most part, I stayed inside and napped off and on throughout the day in the boy's room. Later that evening, some woman came over to the house and she brought with her a little kid roughly the same age as the short curly haired girl. Those two were hell on wheels! I simply could not take the noise and danger that they produced, so I slipped into the roommate's room and took a nap.
Later that night, my roommate woke me up digging around in his closet. I looked up to see what the commotion was all about, and I quickly realized that there was sunlight squeezing through the blinds in the bedroom. Dang. It was already Sunday.
Monday is coming.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Blowin' in the wind
The wind was quite stiff today. I was outside for a short while today right in the middle of the gusts. I think I must have attention deficit disorder or something, because I could not ignore the urge to chase the leaves, pine needles, and bits of trash that were being blown about in the wind. I finally gave up and went inside.
Thunderstorms rolled in to town this evening. Everyone thought that the storms would be much worse than they actually were. Schools dismissed early, local meetings around town were cancelled, the school board meeting got postponed; the town was being overly cautious. I suppose that makes sense, though. The last time a storm system such as this one blew through, tornadoes tore up a large portion of town. Fortunately, the only thing this particular system produced was thunder, rain, and barking dogs.
Why do dogs bark at thunder? Seriously, what is the point? Perhaps they bark at thunder the same reason they bark at garbage trucks and the brown UPS trucks. Dumb.
Currently, the celling fan is blowing a piece of paper around in the den. Excuse me, please. I need to go chase it. I just can't help myself . . .
Thunderstorms rolled in to town this evening. Everyone thought that the storms would be much worse than they actually were. Schools dismissed early, local meetings around town were cancelled, the school board meeting got postponed; the town was being overly cautious. I suppose that makes sense, though. The last time a storm system such as this one blew through, tornadoes tore up a large portion of town. Fortunately, the only thing this particular system produced was thunder, rain, and barking dogs.
Why do dogs bark at thunder? Seriously, what is the point? Perhaps they bark at thunder the same reason they bark at garbage trucks and the brown UPS trucks. Dumb.
Currently, the celling fan is blowing a piece of paper around in the den. Excuse me, please. I need to go chase it. I just can't help myself . . .
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Unicorns and pain meds
This morning as I floated off into the cloudy haze of a pain reliever fog, I dreamed that I was in a field of beautiful flowers. The birds were chirping, and butterflies filled the air flitting nervously about in shaky figure eights. The sun was bright, the sky was a crisp blue, and a gentle breeze blew on my face. I felt as if I were floating while I slept, but in my dream, I was wide awake. It was a wonderful feeling, and I didn't want it to end.
My roommate and the short curly haired girl, did not share my same desire, however. Around nine o'clock this morning, they came clumping down the stairs. The short curly haired girl was shouting "bye-bye" to everything that she saw, recognized, and could pronounce. "Bye-bye, chair! Bye-bye, light! Bye-bye, shoe! Bye-bye . . . . "! You get the point. My roommate shuffled the short curly haired girl out of the door and into the van. He handed her the customary bag of dried cereal, her cup of milk, and her blanket. She squealed a very sincere, "Thank you!", and then my roommate went back upstairs to get his cup of coffee, the short curly haired girl's lunchbox, and his cell phone. Same thing happens every single morning. Ordinarily, this routine doesn't bother me a bit, but this morning, all the noise frightened away a lovely pink unicorn I had been watching as it grazed on lavender buttercups. But I digress . . .
As my roommate walked out of the door, he stuck his head back inside to tell me goodbye. I squinted and acted like I didn't hear him, but I was awake now. As he was closing the door, he added one more comment, "Don't sit around all day, how about it? Make yourself useful." Before the key turned in the lock, I was asleep again. Make myself useful. Right. I'll get right on that.
Not a minute later, I heard the van in the garage, the key in the door, and my roommate walking back into the house. I couldn't imagine why he was back so soon. Again, I squinted in his general direction. Suddenly, my roommate shouted at me! "What are you still doing asleep? It's three in the afternoon, and you haven't moved an inch since I left this morning!"
That nap must have been better than I thought!
My roommate and the short curly haired girl, did not share my same desire, however. Around nine o'clock this morning, they came clumping down the stairs. The short curly haired girl was shouting "bye-bye" to everything that she saw, recognized, and could pronounce. "Bye-bye, chair! Bye-bye, light! Bye-bye, shoe! Bye-bye . . . . "! You get the point. My roommate shuffled the short curly haired girl out of the door and into the van. He handed her the customary bag of dried cereal, her cup of milk, and her blanket. She squealed a very sincere, "Thank you!", and then my roommate went back upstairs to get his cup of coffee, the short curly haired girl's lunchbox, and his cell phone. Same thing happens every single morning. Ordinarily, this routine doesn't bother me a bit, but this morning, all the noise frightened away a lovely pink unicorn I had been watching as it grazed on lavender buttercups. But I digress . . .
As my roommate walked out of the door, he stuck his head back inside to tell me goodbye. I squinted and acted like I didn't hear him, but I was awake now. As he was closing the door, he added one more comment, "Don't sit around all day, how about it? Make yourself useful." Before the key turned in the lock, I was asleep again. Make myself useful. Right. I'll get right on that.
Not a minute later, I heard the van in the garage, the key in the door, and my roommate walking back into the house. I couldn't imagine why he was back so soon. Again, I squinted in his general direction. Suddenly, my roommate shouted at me! "What are you still doing asleep? It's three in the afternoon, and you haven't moved an inch since I left this morning!"
That nap must have been better than I thought!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Reflections from Joe's Garage
The innovative, 70's rock 'n roll, pioneer, Frank Zappa once wrote an off color tune entitled "Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?" I have my own ideas about what he was talking about in his tune, and I have a pretty good idea he wasn't talking about a urinary track infection. But - he could have been as far as I'm concerned recently!
MAN! I have been in some serious pain for the past couple of days! Taking a simple leak is nothing to take for granted. I guess I never really realized that. I haven't been able to drink enough water for days. I haven't been able to get comfortable for days. I haven't ever experienced such pain - EVER. I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend that I was okay. I tried to keep my pain and discomfort a secret from my roommate and the girlfriend, because I knew that if they realized there was something wrong with me, they'd take me to the doctor.
Last night, everyone had gone to bed except for my roommate. I didn't immediately realize that he was still awake, and he heard me crying out in pain. He came to the door of the bathroom and knocked. I was startled, but I managed to keep quiet. Most people, upon not getting a response after knocking on a door, will turn away. Not my stubborn roommate, though. He tentatively turned the door knob and pushed his way into the bathroom. I was embarrassed and angry all at once. I tried to lead on that everything was fine, but he knew something was wrong. He told me that he was going to take me to the doctor in the morning. No questions.
When the sun rose this morning, I woke up and took cover. He was not going to take me to the doctor. I was fine, or at least I would be eventually. Doctors have needles and things that probe areas that are better left alone and untouched. My plan to hide from him worked for a while. I heard him calling my name; I heard him going from room to room in the house. I heard him cussing me under his breath when his search was unsuccessful. (Tee-hee)! And by the way, thank goodness for the short curly haired girl! My roommate had to stop looking for me when he heard her out on the driveway about to strike out down the street. I thought I was home free. I heard the van crank up and pull out of the driveway. Whew!
However, later on today, around one or one-thirty, I heard the key in the door. I was in some serious pain, and could not move. I trusted that my current hiding place was good enough, and I braced myself as I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I really must be transparent and obvious, because this time, my roommate found me immediately. Before I could even object, he grabbed me, led me down the stairs, and stuffed me in his minivan. Ugh! I complained the whole time in the car, but he just turned ESPN radio up louder. Into the doctor's office we flew. I was indignant. The pain seared through my abdomen and gave me double vision, but I was still trying to figure out a way to get out of the doctor's office. No luck, though. The nurse checked me in, gave some reassuring words to my roommate, and then told him to pick me up around 4.
I was furious! He was going to leave me alone! Angry as I was, the pain held me in check. I would have to get even with my roommate later. The doctor finally came in and gave me two HUGE shots that hurt like the devil. He poked and prodded me like I was a four day old cantaloupe at the farmer's market. He made some notes, and then told the nurse to fill a prescription for some antibiotics and pain medication. I overheard the nurse say that my roommate had requested liquid medicine for me. He apparently believes that giving me a liquid medication will be easier than getting me to swallow a pill. Ultimately, that is true, but just wait! I am going to make my roommate's life a living hell trying to give me my medicine!
The short curly haired girl and I don't get along that well, but she has taught me a thing or two about belligerence and being medicated.
Honestly, I feel much better already having received the injections from the doc. The additional medication that my roommate has for me will more than likely speed me on the road to a full recovery. I won't miss the pain, that's for sure. I suppose, however, that I'm hung up on the principle of the whole thing. I like for things to happen on my own terms.
Frank Zappa. What a musical genius.
MAN! I have been in some serious pain for the past couple of days! Taking a simple leak is nothing to take for granted. I guess I never really realized that. I haven't been able to drink enough water for days. I haven't been able to get comfortable for days. I haven't ever experienced such pain - EVER. I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend that I was okay. I tried to keep my pain and discomfort a secret from my roommate and the girlfriend, because I knew that if they realized there was something wrong with me, they'd take me to the doctor.
Last night, everyone had gone to bed except for my roommate. I didn't immediately realize that he was still awake, and he heard me crying out in pain. He came to the door of the bathroom and knocked. I was startled, but I managed to keep quiet. Most people, upon not getting a response after knocking on a door, will turn away. Not my stubborn roommate, though. He tentatively turned the door knob and pushed his way into the bathroom. I was embarrassed and angry all at once. I tried to lead on that everything was fine, but he knew something was wrong. He told me that he was going to take me to the doctor in the morning. No questions.
When the sun rose this morning, I woke up and took cover. He was not going to take me to the doctor. I was fine, or at least I would be eventually. Doctors have needles and things that probe areas that are better left alone and untouched. My plan to hide from him worked for a while. I heard him calling my name; I heard him going from room to room in the house. I heard him cussing me under his breath when his search was unsuccessful. (Tee-hee)! And by the way, thank goodness for the short curly haired girl! My roommate had to stop looking for me when he heard her out on the driveway about to strike out down the street. I thought I was home free. I heard the van crank up and pull out of the driveway. Whew!
However, later on today, around one or one-thirty, I heard the key in the door. I was in some serious pain, and could not move. I trusted that my current hiding place was good enough, and I braced myself as I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I really must be transparent and obvious, because this time, my roommate found me immediately. Before I could even object, he grabbed me, led me down the stairs, and stuffed me in his minivan. Ugh! I complained the whole time in the car, but he just turned ESPN radio up louder. Into the doctor's office we flew. I was indignant. The pain seared through my abdomen and gave me double vision, but I was still trying to figure out a way to get out of the doctor's office. No luck, though. The nurse checked me in, gave some reassuring words to my roommate, and then told him to pick me up around 4.
I was furious! He was going to leave me alone! Angry as I was, the pain held me in check. I would have to get even with my roommate later. The doctor finally came in and gave me two HUGE shots that hurt like the devil. He poked and prodded me like I was a four day old cantaloupe at the farmer's market. He made some notes, and then told the nurse to fill a prescription for some antibiotics and pain medication. I overheard the nurse say that my roommate had requested liquid medicine for me. He apparently believes that giving me a liquid medication will be easier than getting me to swallow a pill. Ultimately, that is true, but just wait! I am going to make my roommate's life a living hell trying to give me my medicine!
The short curly haired girl and I don't get along that well, but she has taught me a thing or two about belligerence and being medicated.
Honestly, I feel much better already having received the injections from the doc. The additional medication that my roommate has for me will more than likely speed me on the road to a full recovery. I won't miss the pain, that's for sure. I suppose, however, that I'm hung up on the principle of the whole thing. I like for things to happen on my own terms.
Frank Zappa. What a musical genius.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The sun came out!
I spent most all of my time outside today. The temperature was in the low 70's and the sun shone brightly. It was a lovely day! We've had a lot of rain recently, and the gloomy weather can get old pretty fast! The kids skipped church this morning. My roommate had to get to work in a hurry and I think the girlfriend just didn't want to fool with getting everyone ready.
The taller pretty girl and the short kid with glasses (and a cast) went outside this morning with their bug catcher. They took sticks and poked around in the dirt off of the side of the driveway trying to catch insects. They searched for a long time. It really looked like they were having a good time. I felt bad for the short kid with glasses, though. He really wanted to ride his scooter this morning, too. However, the taller pretty girl would not let him. She said it would not be safe to ride a scooter with his arm in a cast. But, to make him feel better, she didn't ride her scooter either. Those two kids really take care of each other.
Later this afternoon, the tall kid went out into the neighborhood with one of his friends. I followed him for a while, but then I got tired and came back home. He was going to play baseball. When he came back from playing, he had black streaks under his eyes. I thought he had gotten into a fight or something! Turns out, though, that he put the black stuff under his eyes on purpose. He called it eye black. Apparently baseball players wear the stuff to cut the glare of the sun. Later this evening, the tall kid asked my roommate and the girlfriend if he could have a tube of his own eye black. They, of course, responded with the typical and non-committal parental answer of, "we'll see." If I was the parent, I would have told him no. What is the point of eye black? Why spend money on that stuff? I would have told him to squint. Problem solved. I do that all the time.
Girlfriend has dropped 11 pounds so far on her new diet. I need to do that, too.
Dang. I'm hungry.
The taller pretty girl and the short kid with glasses (and a cast) went outside this morning with their bug catcher. They took sticks and poked around in the dirt off of the side of the driveway trying to catch insects. They searched for a long time. It really looked like they were having a good time. I felt bad for the short kid with glasses, though. He really wanted to ride his scooter this morning, too. However, the taller pretty girl would not let him. She said it would not be safe to ride a scooter with his arm in a cast. But, to make him feel better, she didn't ride her scooter either. Those two kids really take care of each other.
Later this afternoon, the tall kid went out into the neighborhood with one of his friends. I followed him for a while, but then I got tired and came back home. He was going to play baseball. When he came back from playing, he had black streaks under his eyes. I thought he had gotten into a fight or something! Turns out, though, that he put the black stuff under his eyes on purpose. He called it eye black. Apparently baseball players wear the stuff to cut the glare of the sun. Later this evening, the tall kid asked my roommate and the girlfriend if he could have a tube of his own eye black. They, of course, responded with the typical and non-committal parental answer of, "we'll see." If I was the parent, I would have told him no. What is the point of eye black? Why spend money on that stuff? I would have told him to squint. Problem solved. I do that all the time.
Girlfriend has dropped 11 pounds so far on her new diet. I need to do that, too.
Dang. I'm hungry.
Friday, April 4, 2008
That's Gonna Leave a Mark!
Well, well, well. What an adventurous evening in our household tonight! Around 6:30 p.m., the short curly haired girl, the taller pretty girl, and the short kid with glasses were downstairs playing. I was downstairs, too, lightly napping on the sofa where I had been trying to figure out a Nintendo DS game.
The short kid with glasses had made up a game for him and the taller pretty girl to play. He took the tall kid's skateboard and put it in the middle of the floor. He took a stack of throw pillows from a basket and stacked them on the floor just beyond the skateboard. The object of the game was to get a running start from the other side of the room, jump over the skateboard, and land safely on the pillows. The taller pretty girl went first. She ran and jumped and landed on the pillows. The kids laughed and got excited about this new game. Next, it was the short kid with glasses turn. Right when he was about to get his running start, the short curly haired girl who had previously shown no interest whatsoever in the game, ran over and kicked the stack of pillows. The short kid with glasses yelled at the short curly haired girl, and then re-stacked the pillows. He started over on the other side of the room and got up a good head of steam. He soared through the air, easily clearing the skateboard, but he had such a strong jump, he also cleared the landing pillows. Before he hit the ground, he instinctively stuck his hand out to break his fall. SNAP!!
Immediately, the short kid with glasses let out a terrifying scream. He rolled over and grabbed his arm. As he stood there crying, I noticed that his little arm looked like the letter "w." He ran upstairs and the taller pretty girl followed. They ran into the den to show my roommate what had happened. From there on, confusion ensued. I heard my roommate saying, "His arm is broken." The tall kid said, "What? Oh my gosh!" The taller pretty girl was crying, the short kid with glasses was crying, and then the girlfriend came running into the room. "What happened?" she shouted over the ruckus. My roommate repeated himself, "His arm is broken. Look at it." The girlfriend looked at the kid's arm and almost fainted. My roommate scooped the short kid with glasses up and took him to the emergency room. The girlfriend frantically got dressed and arranged childcare for the others and went to the hospital, too.
My roommate and the short kid with glasses didn't get home until after midnight. The tall kid and taller pretty girl stayed up until their brother got home. He came in and showed off his cast and sling. He told them all about his hospital adventure: riding in a wheelchair, getting stuck with an IV needle, inhaling bubble gum flavored gas, watching Disney channel in the hospital bed, throwing up into a bucket (gross) . . .
Truth be told, I'm glad the little guy is okay. I broke my hip a few years ago, so I know how painful a broken bone can be. He's a tough little booger, but an experience like that can be frightening.
My question, though, is this: how come I didn't get a stuffed animal and a set of Matchbox cars from the nurses when I got sent home from the hospital? No fair.
The short kid with glasses had made up a game for him and the taller pretty girl to play. He took the tall kid's skateboard and put it in the middle of the floor. He took a stack of throw pillows from a basket and stacked them on the floor just beyond the skateboard. The object of the game was to get a running start from the other side of the room, jump over the skateboard, and land safely on the pillows. The taller pretty girl went first. She ran and jumped and landed on the pillows. The kids laughed and got excited about this new game. Next, it was the short kid with glasses turn. Right when he was about to get his running start, the short curly haired girl who had previously shown no interest whatsoever in the game, ran over and kicked the stack of pillows. The short kid with glasses yelled at the short curly haired girl, and then re-stacked the pillows. He started over on the other side of the room and got up a good head of steam. He soared through the air, easily clearing the skateboard, but he had such a strong jump, he also cleared the landing pillows. Before he hit the ground, he instinctively stuck his hand out to break his fall. SNAP!!
Immediately, the short kid with glasses let out a terrifying scream. He rolled over and grabbed his arm. As he stood there crying, I noticed that his little arm looked like the letter "w." He ran upstairs and the taller pretty girl followed. They ran into the den to show my roommate what had happened. From there on, confusion ensued. I heard my roommate saying, "His arm is broken." The tall kid said, "What? Oh my gosh!" The taller pretty girl was crying, the short kid with glasses was crying, and then the girlfriend came running into the room. "What happened?" she shouted over the ruckus. My roommate repeated himself, "His arm is broken. Look at it." The girlfriend looked at the kid's arm and almost fainted. My roommate scooped the short kid with glasses up and took him to the emergency room. The girlfriend frantically got dressed and arranged childcare for the others and went to the hospital, too.
My roommate and the short kid with glasses didn't get home until after midnight. The tall kid and taller pretty girl stayed up until their brother got home. He came in and showed off his cast and sling. He told them all about his hospital adventure: riding in a wheelchair, getting stuck with an IV needle, inhaling bubble gum flavored gas, watching Disney channel in the hospital bed, throwing up into a bucket (gross) . . .
Truth be told, I'm glad the little guy is okay. I broke my hip a few years ago, so I know how painful a broken bone can be. He's a tough little booger, but an experience like that can be frightening.
My question, though, is this: how come I didn't get a stuffed animal and a set of Matchbox cars from the nurses when I got sent home from the hospital? No fair.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I Just Don't Get It
Some things do not make any sense to me. For instance, how is it that the taller pretty girl can sleep seemingly comfortably with her head completely encased in covers? How does she breathe? I check on all the kids before I go to bed at night and 6 nights out of the week, that child is completely covered up. Every now and then, my roommate will sneak up on me while I am asleep. He thinks it is funny to drop blankets or sheets over me. I freak out when I am engulfed with covers. I thrash and kick; I squirm and wriggle; I panic. I do not rest until I am out from underneath the covers. The taller pretty girl apparently prefers such sleeping arrangements, however.
I also don't understand how my roommate can watch re-runs of television shows - over and over again. I left the den tonight after I realized he was watching yet another re-run of CSI Miami. He knows what will happen, he knows who is guilty, he knows all the cheesy one liners, he knows Horatio is going to shoot someone and wear sunglasses inside. And if watching CSI Miami over and over again wasn't bad enough, I'll guarantee you that there is not a single Law and Order he hasn't seen at least 8 times! Me either for that matter, thanks to him. Everyday at lunch - soup, salad, sandwich -"In the criminal justice system . . . " CHONG-CHONG!
Finally, how is it that the weekend meteorologist on our local news is a better sportscaster than the real sportscasters on the channel? Tonight, this weather kid filled in for the regular sports guy, and he was actually very good! I suppose that really says something about our local news team. What a bunch of dingbats.
I also don't understand how to use the can opener, but that's material for another day.
I also don't understand how my roommate can watch re-runs of television shows - over and over again. I left the den tonight after I realized he was watching yet another re-run of CSI Miami. He knows what will happen, he knows who is guilty, he knows all the cheesy one liners, he knows Horatio is going to shoot someone and wear sunglasses inside. And if watching CSI Miami over and over again wasn't bad enough, I'll guarantee you that there is not a single Law and Order he hasn't seen at least 8 times! Me either for that matter, thanks to him. Everyday at lunch - soup, salad, sandwich -"In the criminal justice system . . . " CHONG-CHONG!
Finally, how is it that the weekend meteorologist on our local news is a better sportscaster than the real sportscasters on the channel? Tonight, this weather kid filled in for the regular sports guy, and he was actually very good! I suppose that really says something about our local news team. What a bunch of dingbats.
I also don't understand how to use the can opener, but that's material for another day.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Squinting Begat Random Thoughts
I overheard the tall kid asking my roommate a question today, "What do you think DC thinks about when he is pretending to take a nap?" Of course, my roommate didn't have an answer. But then again, he's an idiot. Since I like the tall kid, however, and since I am impressed that my squinting trick did not fool the tall kid into believing that I was actually asleep, I have decided to reveal some of the things that I thought about today while I was squinting.
1. When is the short curly haired girl going to pour something on me?
2. What is the purpose of wind chimes? They are quite annoying.
3. Why does the short kid with glasses change his clothes every time he walks into a different room of the house?
4. What can I eat?
5. How do telephones work?
6. I should lose about 15 pounds.
7. What can I eat?
8. Can flip-flops really get stuck in the top of an escalator thereby pulling your foot between the step and the platform subsequently severing your foot, or was Grandpa Roommate just jerking my chain?
9. Where in the hell is that short curly haired girl? It's too quiet in here.
10. Brian Williams has got nothing on Tom Brokaw.
11. If Barry Bonds did not use steroids, how come his head is as big as basketball now. I've seen his rookie card.
12. Miley Cyrus should fire her dad unless he agrees to bring back that dang mullet.
13. I'm hungry.
14. Why are they called dust "bunnies?"
15. Horatio Caine or Walker Texas Ranger?
16. That short curly haired girl is somewhere plotting my death.
17. Sigmund Freud's mom was probably distant and aloof.
18. Puppies suck.
19. George Clooney? Used to be on the Facts of Life? Really? George Clooney? Natalie and Tootie? Really? NO WAY!
20. Speaking of television, Grandma Roommate never liked Sanford and Son. How come?
21. I almost read a book today, but I fell asleep.
22. If you put a pork chop in your coat pocket, how long would it stay there before the smell would become unbearable?
23. "Cloister" is an irritating word. More so than "moist."
24. Teletubbies are satanic.
25. I've got to move. That short curly haired girl is coming. I just feel it.
Wow! How refreshing! Perhaps I'll do this more often. Revealing my random thoughts was quite a liberating experience.
One more thought -
26. Who came up with the idea for bread sticks?
Which reminds me . . .
27. I'm hungry.
1. When is the short curly haired girl going to pour something on me?
2. What is the purpose of wind chimes? They are quite annoying.
3. Why does the short kid with glasses change his clothes every time he walks into a different room of the house?
4. What can I eat?
5. How do telephones work?
6. I should lose about 15 pounds.
7. What can I eat?
8. Can flip-flops really get stuck in the top of an escalator thereby pulling your foot between the step and the platform subsequently severing your foot, or was Grandpa Roommate just jerking my chain?
9. Where in the hell is that short curly haired girl? It's too quiet in here.
10. Brian Williams has got nothing on Tom Brokaw.
11. If Barry Bonds did not use steroids, how come his head is as big as basketball now. I've seen his rookie card.
12. Miley Cyrus should fire her dad unless he agrees to bring back that dang mullet.
13. I'm hungry.
14. Why are they called dust "bunnies?"
15. Horatio Caine or Walker Texas Ranger?
16. That short curly haired girl is somewhere plotting my death.
17. Sigmund Freud's mom was probably distant and aloof.
18. Puppies suck.
19. George Clooney? Used to be on the Facts of Life? Really? George Clooney? Natalie and Tootie? Really? NO WAY!
20. Speaking of television, Grandma Roommate never liked Sanford and Son. How come?
21. I almost read a book today, but I fell asleep.
22. If you put a pork chop in your coat pocket, how long would it stay there before the smell would become unbearable?
23. "Cloister" is an irritating word. More so than "moist."
24. Teletubbies are satanic.
25. I've got to move. That short curly haired girl is coming. I just feel it.
Wow! How refreshing! Perhaps I'll do this more often. Revealing my random thoughts was quite a liberating experience.
One more thought -
26. Who came up with the idea for bread sticks?
Which reminds me . . .
27. I'm hungry.
Monday, March 31, 2008
The Carpenter's Had a Song About This
Raining again. This time last year we were worried about an impending drought. Normal rainfall amounts for this area this time of year is around 4 inches. This time last year, the official rain gauge read about 2 inches. The official rain gauge as of last night, before the rain today, measured right around 9 inches. The Mississippi River is flooding, local streams and creeks are overflowing their banks. Things are not looking too good in the local low lying areas. I feel for those people in danger of being flooded.
Rainy days make me lazy. I don't know what it is about rainy weather, but all my energy is mysteriously sapped from my body whenever it rains. In fact, today I probably slept more hours than I spent awake. I did go for a walk late in the evening just to shake the cobwebs from my severe case of nap head, but I came back early because it started to rain again. I came back inside, ate a little supper, and crashed on the couch.
I was so lethargic today that while I was napping this afternoon, the short curly haired kid tried to put sunglasses on me. Ordinarily, I'd swat her hand away or move to another room, but today, the rain had taken all of my reactive energy away. She covered me with blankets, sat on my head, whacked me on the stomach, and tried to read a book to me. She poked me with a drumstick, shoved a plastic baby doll in my face, and mispronounced my name in a horrific shout directly into my ear. She pried open my eyes with her sticky fingers, sneezed in my face, and bounced a sippy cup off my head. She tried to squeeze the life out of me after she heard the "I Love You" Barney song blaring from the television in the living room, and then she started reading the book to me again- poking me in the ribs every time I appeared to be distracted.
The rain is supposed to be gone sometime tomorrow afternoon. I sure hope I survive long enough to enjoy the sunshine again.
Rainy days make me lazy. I don't know what it is about rainy weather, but all my energy is mysteriously sapped from my body whenever it rains. In fact, today I probably slept more hours than I spent awake. I did go for a walk late in the evening just to shake the cobwebs from my severe case of nap head, but I came back early because it started to rain again. I came back inside, ate a little supper, and crashed on the couch.
I was so lethargic today that while I was napping this afternoon, the short curly haired kid tried to put sunglasses on me. Ordinarily, I'd swat her hand away or move to another room, but today, the rain had taken all of my reactive energy away. She covered me with blankets, sat on my head, whacked me on the stomach, and tried to read a book to me. She poked me with a drumstick, shoved a plastic baby doll in my face, and mispronounced my name in a horrific shout directly into my ear. She pried open my eyes with her sticky fingers, sneezed in my face, and bounced a sippy cup off my head. She tried to squeeze the life out of me after she heard the "I Love You" Barney song blaring from the television in the living room, and then she started reading the book to me again- poking me in the ribs every time I appeared to be distracted.
The rain is supposed to be gone sometime tomorrow afternoon. I sure hope I survive long enough to enjoy the sunshine again.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A Beautiful Surprise
Everyone except my roommate is in bed now. The weekend is officially over now. This is the time of the week that I hate the most. The kids are in bed early because they will have school tomorrow. The girlfriend has been preoccupied all afternoon doing laundry and getting ready for the upcoming work week. My roommate works on Sundays, so he is in and out all day, and when he finally gets home for the evening, he is usually in a bad mood and generally no fun to be around. He'll sit in front of the television for hours tonight reading books and working on the computer as if not going to bed at a reasonable hour will delay the inevitable Monday morning sunrise. There is a silent sadness that hangs over everything on Sunday nights here at the house. Weekends are never long enough, and it seems as if the work/school weeks are getting longer. The tall kid, the short kid with glass, and the taller pretty girl are all sleeping in the same room tonight. It's like they know that the weekend is over and they are hanging on to their freedom for just a few hours longer.
The weekend was rainy, too. The rain prevented outdoor activities, so we were all inside together for three days. Ordinarily, this would have been pretty stressful for me, but something wonderful happened Friday evening. Out of the blue, the short curly haired girl disappeared for the night! One of the girlfriend's buddies who was home for the weekend from a vo-tech school in Alabama asked if the short curly haired girl could come to her house to spend the night. I almost fainted! Someone actually wanted the short curly haired girl to come to their house! Naturally, I thought it was a hoax. But then Alabama showed up at the house, and the girlfriend started gathering the short curly haired girl's things. Soon, they were all going downstairs to the car. I ran outside to spy, and as I watched, I saw the girlfriend putting the short curly haired girl's car seat into Alabama's car. I grew excited, and yet, I still wasn't convinced. The girlfriend picked up the short curly haired girl and put her into the car seat. I watched as she kissed the kid goodbye. This was too good to be true! The car cranked to life and Alabama backed out of the driveway with the short curly haired girl in tow! The girlfriend came back inside and my roommate stood on the balcony watching the car drive off. I, on the other hand, stayed outside in the driveway for at least ten minutes waiting to see if the car would come back. Once I was satisfied that she was gone, I skipped back up the stairs and into the house. Freedom! Freedom! Unexpected gifts are always the best surprises!
I slept like a rock that night.
The weekend was rainy, too. The rain prevented outdoor activities, so we were all inside together for three days. Ordinarily, this would have been pretty stressful for me, but something wonderful happened Friday evening. Out of the blue, the short curly haired girl disappeared for the night! One of the girlfriend's buddies who was home for the weekend from a vo-tech school in Alabama asked if the short curly haired girl could come to her house to spend the night. I almost fainted! Someone actually wanted the short curly haired girl to come to their house! Naturally, I thought it was a hoax. But then Alabama showed up at the house, and the girlfriend started gathering the short curly haired girl's things. Soon, they were all going downstairs to the car. I ran outside to spy, and as I watched, I saw the girlfriend putting the short curly haired girl's car seat into Alabama's car. I grew excited, and yet, I still wasn't convinced. The girlfriend picked up the short curly haired girl and put her into the car seat. I watched as she kissed the kid goodbye. This was too good to be true! The car cranked to life and Alabama backed out of the driveway with the short curly haired girl in tow! The girlfriend came back inside and my roommate stood on the balcony watching the car drive off. I, on the other hand, stayed outside in the driveway for at least ten minutes waiting to see if the car would come back. Once I was satisfied that she was gone, I skipped back up the stairs and into the house. Freedom! Freedom! Unexpected gifts are always the best surprises!
I slept like a rock that night.
Friday, March 28, 2008
And me without my keys
Last night's post ended with a couple of unanswered questions: 1) what would my roommate do today on his day off, and 2) would it rain?
Let me go ahead and end the suspense for you. My roommate slept late, AND it rained. I hate days like this. When I woke up this morning it was cloudy. Earlier in the morning around 5, a thunderstorm moved through, but by the time the kids and the girlfriend were moving about, the rain had stopped. I heard the weather guy on the television say that a cold front was moving in and that the temperatures were in the process of dropping. It would not be as warm today as it had been the past few days. I thought to myself that I should go ahead and take my walk early, because the rest of the day wasn't going to shape up too well. So, when the tall kid went outside to put the dopey dogs out in the back yard, I went out to go get the paper. I must have gotten distracted, because when I went back to the house to go in, the door was locked and the girlfriend was gone. I was locked out.
I went up to the balcony door to see if I could get the roommate's attention, but I failed. He was fast asleep. I did not have a key with me, and I don't do cell phones, so I had to wait for the roommate to wake up before I could get back in. Ordinarily, the short curly haired girl gets up around 8. However, this morning, she decided to wake up around six. This meant that she was already back in my roommate's room in bed with him. I couldn't rely on her to help my cause either. But then again, what else is new?
As I waited, I thought to myself that sitting around outside was not so bad. The sun was hidden behind clouds and the temperature was falling, but ultimately, things were okay. Until . . . it started raining again. Great. Just great. I pounded on the back door as hard as I could, but it was useless.
Finally, around 11 or so, my idiot roommate saw me standing outside and opened the door. I quickly came inside, because I was wet, cold, and irritated. As I made my way across the den to head downstairs, my roommate asked me the dumbest question, "Hey man? What were you doing outside? Didn't you know it was cold and raining?"
Rocket scientist, that guy.
Let me go ahead and end the suspense for you. My roommate slept late, AND it rained. I hate days like this. When I woke up this morning it was cloudy. Earlier in the morning around 5, a thunderstorm moved through, but by the time the kids and the girlfriend were moving about, the rain had stopped. I heard the weather guy on the television say that a cold front was moving in and that the temperatures were in the process of dropping. It would not be as warm today as it had been the past few days. I thought to myself that I should go ahead and take my walk early, because the rest of the day wasn't going to shape up too well. So, when the tall kid went outside to put the dopey dogs out in the back yard, I went out to go get the paper. I must have gotten distracted, because when I went back to the house to go in, the door was locked and the girlfriend was gone. I was locked out.
I went up to the balcony door to see if I could get the roommate's attention, but I failed. He was fast asleep. I did not have a key with me, and I don't do cell phones, so I had to wait for the roommate to wake up before I could get back in. Ordinarily, the short curly haired girl gets up around 8. However, this morning, she decided to wake up around six. This meant that she was already back in my roommate's room in bed with him. I couldn't rely on her to help my cause either. But then again, what else is new?
As I waited, I thought to myself that sitting around outside was not so bad. The sun was hidden behind clouds and the temperature was falling, but ultimately, things were okay. Until . . . it started raining again. Great. Just great. I pounded on the back door as hard as I could, but it was useless.
Finally, around 11 or so, my idiot roommate saw me standing outside and opened the door. I quickly came inside, because I was wet, cold, and irritated. As I made my way across the den to head downstairs, my roommate asked me the dumbest question, "Hey man? What were you doing outside? Didn't you know it was cold and raining?"
Rocket scientist, that guy.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Rainy Friday?
Friday is coming. Technically, I suppose it is already here at this point. Friday is my roommate's day off. I wonder what we will do? Sleep late? Go to Sam's Club? Yard work?
Probably none of the above. I'm sure our day will be involved with chasing that curly haired girl all over the house. To be accurate, my roommate will be the one doing the chasing. I plan to steer clear.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow. I hate rainy Fridays. Who knows, though if the forecast is accurate? Weather people around here seem to predict the weather solely with a Farmer's Almanac and a trick knee. I suppose if it really does rain, I'll have to take a nap. My favorite place to nap when it rains is the tall kid's bed. He has a double bed that is pushed up next to a wall with a window in it. I like to hear the sound of rain against the window pane.
By the way, if it doesn't rain tomorrow, I'm going for a walk to be on the look out for that stupid stray dog, my roommate played with the other night. It's time to show that pooch who's boss around here, and the boss says no more dogs. Someone needs to put their foot down around here!
Probably none of the above. I'm sure our day will be involved with chasing that curly haired girl all over the house. To be accurate, my roommate will be the one doing the chasing. I plan to steer clear.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow. I hate rainy Fridays. Who knows, though if the forecast is accurate? Weather people around here seem to predict the weather solely with a Farmer's Almanac and a trick knee. I suppose if it really does rain, I'll have to take a nap. My favorite place to nap when it rains is the tall kid's bed. He has a double bed that is pushed up next to a wall with a window in it. I like to hear the sound of rain against the window pane.
By the way, if it doesn't rain tomorrow, I'm going for a walk to be on the look out for that stupid stray dog, my roommate played with the other night. It's time to show that pooch who's boss around here, and the boss says no more dogs. Someone needs to put their foot down around here!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Domesticated and Stupid
My roommate is an idiot. He is nearly 40 years old, has a full-time job, several kids, and a mini-van; and yet, one of his simple pleasures in life is to sneak up on people in the house to see if he can scare them. Last night, as I was dutifully writing a post for my blog, my infantile roommate sneaked up on me. Right before I was about to post my blog, my roommate leaped out from behind a door and made a horrendous balloon deflating noise with his mouth. I nearly fell out of my chair in fear, and in the process of falling, I must have hit a key on the computer keyboard that deleted my entry before it was posted. Oh, he had a big laugh over the whole incident! I on the other hand, was disgusted. What a moron, he is. Then, I realized that my entire post had been lost. Quite frankly, I was too tired to re-type everything, so I just went to bed. My apologies.
Tonight, however, I will re-create yesterday's unpublished blog. I could talk about today and forget about yesterday, but yesterday's happenings are to precious to eliminate. Plus, it goes to reinforcing my assertions that my roommate is an imbecile. Besides, today was pretty boring anyway . . .
Last night, before I got on the computer, I was snoozing on the couch in the den. My roommate was in the kitchen making lunches for the kids. The TV was on, the rest of the house was in bed, and it felt as if the household was winding down for the evening. Moments later, I heard my roommate pulling the garbage bag out of the trash can. He tied it up and slipped on his shoes to take the bag downstairs to the outside trash can in the carport. As he headed out of the door, I got off the couch to stretch a bit and to get some water from the kitchen. I stopped by the back door to look outside on my way to the kitchen.
I saw my roommate heading down the outside back stairs to the carport, when I realized the motion sensitive flood lights outside of the boys room had been activated. My roommate obviously had noticed the lights, too, because he had stopped his descent, and he was peering over the driveway. I saw it first : a big, dopey looking, chocolate Labrador had heard footsteps on the stairs and startled, sprinted out of our carport. I rolled my eyes. Why can't people keep these beasts locked up? Before I turned my head, I realized that my roommate had set the bag of garbage down on the steps.
I wish I could say that his action puzzled me, but I knew all too well what he was up to. In utter horror, I watched my roommate quietly pad down the remaining steps into the driveway. The dopey dog had escaped into the neighbor's yard, but my roommate whistled. "C'mere, puppy!" Whistle, whistle. "C'mere, doggie!" Snap, snap, pat leg. "C'mere, boy!"
The dopey dog stopped it's retreat on a dime and quickly returned to our driveway. My roommate was squatting down in a catcher's stance to receive the stray dog. It came up clumsily to my roommate, panting, drooling, and whimpering. I threw up a little bit in my mouth as I watched the scene unfold. Not my roommate though! He gently patted the beast on the head and rubbed it's chest. The dog slobbered and panted in utter joy that someone was petting it. I sat in disgust as I watched and listened to my roommate talk in that idiotic falsetto voice that people use only to talk to dogs and babies, "Hey buddy! Where are you from?" ("Mars," I sneered under my breath). "Oh! You're a girl, aren't you boy?" ("Idiot!" I thought). "Are you lost, girl? Oh, you're a sweet baby!" ("She ain't lost. She just wants our garbage. I've heard that pigs are cleaner animals . . . ")! "I wish I knew where you lived, girl! Oh, what a sweet puppy!" ("Puppy, my foot! That's an overweight old dog. It's dark outside, and I can see that from here!")
I sat and watched as my roommate bonded with this dog in our driveway. I feared the worst. What if he had so much compassion for this dog that he brought it inside? What if he planned on keeping this thing. As luck would have it, though, as quickly as the stray dog appeared, it suddenly ran away. THANKFULLY, my roommate let it go. Worst case scenario, he follows it and tries to make it come back. However instead, he went back for the bag of garbage, and tossed it in the can.
I silently moved away from the door as he made his way back inside. He never knew I witnessed him trying to woo a stray dog. Thirty minutes later, he scared the life out of me and I lost my blog.
The things I put up with around here . . . !
Tonight, however, I will re-create yesterday's unpublished blog. I could talk about today and forget about yesterday, but yesterday's happenings are to precious to eliminate. Plus, it goes to reinforcing my assertions that my roommate is an imbecile. Besides, today was pretty boring anyway . . .
Last night, before I got on the computer, I was snoozing on the couch in the den. My roommate was in the kitchen making lunches for the kids. The TV was on, the rest of the house was in bed, and it felt as if the household was winding down for the evening. Moments later, I heard my roommate pulling the garbage bag out of the trash can. He tied it up and slipped on his shoes to take the bag downstairs to the outside trash can in the carport. As he headed out of the door, I got off the couch to stretch a bit and to get some water from the kitchen. I stopped by the back door to look outside on my way to the kitchen.
I saw my roommate heading down the outside back stairs to the carport, when I realized the motion sensitive flood lights outside of the boys room had been activated. My roommate obviously had noticed the lights, too, because he had stopped his descent, and he was peering over the driveway. I saw it first : a big, dopey looking, chocolate Labrador had heard footsteps on the stairs and startled, sprinted out of our carport. I rolled my eyes. Why can't people keep these beasts locked up? Before I turned my head, I realized that my roommate had set the bag of garbage down on the steps.
I wish I could say that his action puzzled me, but I knew all too well what he was up to. In utter horror, I watched my roommate quietly pad down the remaining steps into the driveway. The dopey dog had escaped into the neighbor's yard, but my roommate whistled. "C'mere, puppy!" Whistle, whistle. "C'mere, doggie!" Snap, snap, pat leg. "C'mere, boy!"
The dopey dog stopped it's retreat on a dime and quickly returned to our driveway. My roommate was squatting down in a catcher's stance to receive the stray dog. It came up clumsily to my roommate, panting, drooling, and whimpering. I threw up a little bit in my mouth as I watched the scene unfold. Not my roommate though! He gently patted the beast on the head and rubbed it's chest. The dog slobbered and panted in utter joy that someone was petting it. I sat in disgust as I watched and listened to my roommate talk in that idiotic falsetto voice that people use only to talk to dogs and babies, "Hey buddy! Where are you from?" ("Mars," I sneered under my breath). "Oh! You're a girl, aren't you boy?" ("Idiot!" I thought). "Are you lost, girl? Oh, you're a sweet baby!" ("She ain't lost. She just wants our garbage. I've heard that pigs are cleaner animals . . . ")! "I wish I knew where you lived, girl! Oh, what a sweet puppy!" ("Puppy, my foot! That's an overweight old dog. It's dark outside, and I can see that from here!")
I sat and watched as my roommate bonded with this dog in our driveway. I feared the worst. What if he had so much compassion for this dog that he brought it inside? What if he planned on keeping this thing. As luck would have it, though, as quickly as the stray dog appeared, it suddenly ran away. THANKFULLY, my roommate let it go. Worst case scenario, he follows it and tries to make it come back. However instead, he went back for the bag of garbage, and tossed it in the can.
I silently moved away from the door as he made his way back inside. He never knew I witnessed him trying to woo a stray dog. Thirty minutes later, he scared the life out of me and I lost my blog.
The things I put up with around here . . . !
Monday, March 24, 2008
Wish I'd thought of that!!
The tall kid has become my newest hero. Everybody went to lunch today at El Chico. All the kids and the girlfriend had the day off from school, so the roommate took the day off, too. Going out for lunch seemed like the thing to do, so off they went. I stayed at home because I don't do Mexican. Plus, the short curly haired girl had spilled milk on the kitchen floor and somebody needed to clean it up.
When the crew returned home, the kid with glasses, the tall kid, and the taller pretty girl all skinned out around the corner to Grandma Roommate's house to play in their yard. The short curly haired girl took a nap, and the baby hung out on the floor of the den and played with her feet. Roommate and girlfriend were in the den, too. They were talking about what had happened at lunch. What I heard made me jealous that I was not as clever as the tall kid. If I had a mere portion of his ingenuity, the short curly haired girl would be no match for me at all!
The standard fare was ordered at lunch: chicken strips for the taller pretty girl, mac n' cheese for the short curly haired girl, enchiladas for the kid with glasses, fajitas for the girlfriend, and a burrito for the roommate. The tall kid branched out, though as he is still getting used to ordering food off of the adult menu. He wound up ordering a combination platter that came with a beef hard shelled taco, beans, rice, and a tamale. The tamale came in the center of the plate with a white queso cheese sauce covering it. On top of the sauce, in the center of the tamale, came a sliced jalapeno pepper.
Everyone dug into their food immediately. As the roommate was getting some salsa, he realized that the taller pretty girl was silently sobbing. Big tears were rolling down her face and she was shaking. It was obvious that something was wrong. "Did you bite your tongue?" "Is your chicken strip too hot?" "What's wrong, honey?" Her mouth was full, though and she was unable to answer. The tall kid was looking over at her with a reserved grin. Quickly, however, he realized that the situation was heading south, so he interjected, "I asked her if she wanted my pickle, and she took it and ate it!"
As the girlfriend handed the taller pretty girl a napkin to spit the "pickle" into, the roommate scolded the tall kid for telling his sister that the jalapeno pepper was a pickle. Of course, the tall kid insisted that he actually thought it was a pickle. He apparently held his own in the argument before he was asked to honestly answer when the last time it was that he had seen a pickle served with Mexican food.
The taller pretty girl was eventually okay, and by the time they all came home, she had forgiven the tall kid for his prank. All was good, but as I sat there and listened to the recap of the lunch outing, I was kind of smiling to myself. Even though the taller pretty girl doesn't give me much grief anymore, I still remember the times that I have woken up from naps with bows in my hair. I remember the times I've been trapped in the bathroom while she forced me to wear make up. I remember when things weren't that great between us - and then I thought about that tall kid giving her a jalapeno passing it off as a pickle.
MAN! I wish I'd thought of that!
When the crew returned home, the kid with glasses, the tall kid, and the taller pretty girl all skinned out around the corner to Grandma Roommate's house to play in their yard. The short curly haired girl took a nap, and the baby hung out on the floor of the den and played with her feet. Roommate and girlfriend were in the den, too. They were talking about what had happened at lunch. What I heard made me jealous that I was not as clever as the tall kid. If I had a mere portion of his ingenuity, the short curly haired girl would be no match for me at all!
The standard fare was ordered at lunch: chicken strips for the taller pretty girl, mac n' cheese for the short curly haired girl, enchiladas for the kid with glasses, fajitas for the girlfriend, and a burrito for the roommate. The tall kid branched out, though as he is still getting used to ordering food off of the adult menu. He wound up ordering a combination platter that came with a beef hard shelled taco, beans, rice, and a tamale. The tamale came in the center of the plate with a white queso cheese sauce covering it. On top of the sauce, in the center of the tamale, came a sliced jalapeno pepper.
Everyone dug into their food immediately. As the roommate was getting some salsa, he realized that the taller pretty girl was silently sobbing. Big tears were rolling down her face and she was shaking. It was obvious that something was wrong. "Did you bite your tongue?" "Is your chicken strip too hot?" "What's wrong, honey?" Her mouth was full, though and she was unable to answer. The tall kid was looking over at her with a reserved grin. Quickly, however, he realized that the situation was heading south, so he interjected, "I asked her if she wanted my pickle, and she took it and ate it!"
As the girlfriend handed the taller pretty girl a napkin to spit the "pickle" into, the roommate scolded the tall kid for telling his sister that the jalapeno pepper was a pickle. Of course, the tall kid insisted that he actually thought it was a pickle. He apparently held his own in the argument before he was asked to honestly answer when the last time it was that he had seen a pickle served with Mexican food.
The taller pretty girl was eventually okay, and by the time they all came home, she had forgiven the tall kid for his prank. All was good, but as I sat there and listened to the recap of the lunch outing, I was kind of smiling to myself. Even though the taller pretty girl doesn't give me much grief anymore, I still remember the times that I have woken up from naps with bows in my hair. I remember the times I've been trapped in the bathroom while she forced me to wear make up. I remember when things weren't that great between us - and then I thought about that tall kid giving her a jalapeno passing it off as a pickle.
MAN! I wish I'd thought of that!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
It's not about the eggs? Hmmm?
11 But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept, she bent over to
look into the tomb; 12 and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of
Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. 13 They said to her,
“Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and
I do not know where they have laid him.” 14 When she had said this, she turned around
and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. 15 Jesus said to her,
“Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?” Supposing him to be the
gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid
him, and I will take him away.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him
in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher). 17 Jesus said to her, “Do not
hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and
say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”
18Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she
told them that he had said these things to her.
My roommate told me that this was what Easter was all about. I don't know that I understand it, but I believe it. He is risen! Alleluia!
look into the tomb; 12 and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of
Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. 13 They said to her,
“Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and
I do not know where they have laid him.” 14 When she had said this, she turned around
and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. 15 Jesus said to her,
“Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?” Supposing him to be the
gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid
him, and I will take him away.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him
in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means Teacher). 17 Jesus said to her, “Do not
hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and
say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”
18Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she
told them that he had said these things to her.
My roommate told me that this was what Easter was all about. I don't know that I understand it, but I believe it. He is risen! Alleluia!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Spend the night company
The taller pretty girl had a spend the night guest last night. The tall boy kid has a guest tonight. I hate spend the night company, because they don't know the rules. I spent most of yesterday and today outside to avoid the major inconveniences of the happenings inside the house. For instance the taller pretty girl's company slept on my side of the bed last night. And today, the tall boy kid's guest hung out on my couch all afternoon and into the night. Whatever, though. At least the short curly haired girl has been preoccupied with the company.
Tomorrow is another day. Plus, I think we are Easter egg hunting tomorrow. Sweet!
Tomorrow is another day. Plus, I think we are Easter egg hunting tomorrow. Sweet!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
No thanks. I'll stay outside.
My roommate came home from work tonight around 8. His girlfriend and the kids came home around 7:31. In the 29 minutes before he came home and the others arrived, I thought that my life was over. You see, I had gone to sleep downstairs on the brown couch. It is a comfy couch and that room is usually unoccupied when just me and my roommate are alone in the house. He works longer hours when they are gone, too, meaning that I have incredible stretches of peace and quiet.
The roommate came home around 2 p.m. today to eat lunch, watch some of the first round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, and to change into his coat and tie for some type of special event at work tonight. He was gone again by 4, but I realized that after he had gone back to the office, I had forgotten to ask him when the others were going to return home today. However, I didn't lose to much sleep over forgetting to ask (literally)!
Around 7:28, I heard a vehicle in the garage. I have memorized the sounds of the vehicles that frequent our garage, and the one I heard was NOT my roommate's. It was the girlfriend's. I knew that I needed to move fast. I needed to get upstairs and out of sight, but I had been sleeping so hard that it was difficult for me to find the motivation. I stretched and yawned, and that exercise gave me a huge head rush. I had to wait a moment to regain my equilibrium. Finally, I was able to hop off the couch. I headed to the stairs, and I was about to ascend when, BOOM!! The back door swung open as if it had been blown off its hinges by a violent wind. Startled, I quickly turned around and I was face to face with . . . the little curly headed girl!!!!
She screamed at a decibel level so high that the dumb dogs in the back yard started to bark and howl. I spun around and ran as fast as I could up the stairs. Once upstairs, I had to think quick: which room should I go to? Immediately, I decided that the kitchen was the best bet. I mean heck, the girl had been gone from home for almost a week, so logically I believed that she would go into her room first to see her toys or something. Boy was I wrong! Into the kitchen she burst, screaming my name with a banshee-like force that was terrifying and yet at the same time, joyous and giddy. I tried to head out of the back door of the kitchen into the taller pretty girl's room, but I wasn't fast enough.
As the air was explosively and violently expelled from my lungs from the full weight of the little curly haired girl crashing down on top of me, through a pain soaked haze, I saw the tall kid open the door to the balcony. I knew that if I could wriggle free, if for only a second or two, I could get outside. Fortunately for me, the little curly haired girl still had the cold she had before she went on vacation. So when she stopped assaulting me for a brief moment to wipe her nose on me, I made my move. In a flash, I was outside on the balcony overlooking the goofy dogs. The door closed very quietly behind me, which through hindsight, was the most ironic part of my day.
I could hear the little curly haired girl hollering inside behind the closed storm door. I turned and looked back through the glass just to make sure she wasn't following me. I was safe; she was trapped inside. I took a deep breath and headed down the back stairs of the balcony to take a walk and to gather myself. One moment I was asleep, and the next moment I am being viciously attacked by a raving, lunatic, two year old with a runny nose.
When my roommate came home, he asked me if I wanted to come inside with him.
I went for another walk. The vacation is over.
The roommate came home around 2 p.m. today to eat lunch, watch some of the first round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, and to change into his coat and tie for some type of special event at work tonight. He was gone again by 4, but I realized that after he had gone back to the office, I had forgotten to ask him when the others were going to return home today. However, I didn't lose to much sleep over forgetting to ask (literally)!
Around 7:28, I heard a vehicle in the garage. I have memorized the sounds of the vehicles that frequent our garage, and the one I heard was NOT my roommate's. It was the girlfriend's. I knew that I needed to move fast. I needed to get upstairs and out of sight, but I had been sleeping so hard that it was difficult for me to find the motivation. I stretched and yawned, and that exercise gave me a huge head rush. I had to wait a moment to regain my equilibrium. Finally, I was able to hop off the couch. I headed to the stairs, and I was about to ascend when, BOOM!! The back door swung open as if it had been blown off its hinges by a violent wind. Startled, I quickly turned around and I was face to face with . . . the little curly headed girl!!!!
She screamed at a decibel level so high that the dumb dogs in the back yard started to bark and howl. I spun around and ran as fast as I could up the stairs. Once upstairs, I had to think quick: which room should I go to? Immediately, I decided that the kitchen was the best bet. I mean heck, the girl had been gone from home for almost a week, so logically I believed that she would go into her room first to see her toys or something. Boy was I wrong! Into the kitchen she burst, screaming my name with a banshee-like force that was terrifying and yet at the same time, joyous and giddy. I tried to head out of the back door of the kitchen into the taller pretty girl's room, but I wasn't fast enough.
As the air was explosively and violently expelled from my lungs from the full weight of the little curly haired girl crashing down on top of me, through a pain soaked haze, I saw the tall kid open the door to the balcony. I knew that if I could wriggle free, if for only a second or two, I could get outside. Fortunately for me, the little curly haired girl still had the cold she had before she went on vacation. So when she stopped assaulting me for a brief moment to wipe her nose on me, I made my move. In a flash, I was outside on the balcony overlooking the goofy dogs. The door closed very quietly behind me, which through hindsight, was the most ironic part of my day.
I could hear the little curly haired girl hollering inside behind the closed storm door. I turned and looked back through the glass just to make sure she wasn't following me. I was safe; she was trapped inside. I took a deep breath and headed down the back stairs of the balcony to take a walk and to gather myself. One moment I was asleep, and the next moment I am being viciously attacked by a raving, lunatic, two year old with a runny nose.
When my roommate came home, he asked me if I wanted to come inside with him.
I went for another walk. The vacation is over.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I used to have a cat. For purposes of protecting the cat's identity, let's call this cat Lucky. Lucky was a pest. She was into everything. She scratched on the furniture, she threw cat litter everywhere, and she attacked our feet while we tried to sleep at night, she knocked cups of milk over on the kitchen table. Lucky was annoying. In fact, one night while she was outside, I swear a dog tried to eat her. My roommate and I were hanging out in the den and the window to the storm door was open. Around eleven o'clock or so, we heard a terrifying cat scream. My roommate ran outside to check on the racket. About five minutes later, he came back inside followed by Lucky. Lucky was a little disheveled, a little shaky, and covered in slobber. It was gross. Dumb cat.
Anyway, I decided to get rid of Lucky a year ago. I just couldn't handle her anymore. As annoying as she was, she was equally as tiresome. The girlfriend's mom needed a cat to catch mice at her house, so we gave lucky to her. Good riddance. I honestly have not really given her a second thought until just this week.
All the kids and the girlfriend have been at Grandma Girlfriend's house this week for Spring Break. Apparently, according to reports from the girlfriend and the tall kid, the little curly haired girl has been terrorizing Lucky this week. I can only imagine!! I understand that Lucky has scratched the little curly haired girl a few times during the course of her visit. As I have reflected on this, I have found myself incredibly satisfied. Giddy even.
I mean really - how perfect is this? Lucky is gone and so is the little curly haired girl. They both annoy me to no end, and now they are together terrorizing each other. It's beautiful! They were made for each other!
But I digress . . . my respite is quickly coming to a close as I overheard my roommate talking to his girlfriend today. She and the kids are coming home tomorrow. The roommate is incredibly happy. Me?
Not so much.
Anyway, I decided to get rid of Lucky a year ago. I just couldn't handle her anymore. As annoying as she was, she was equally as tiresome. The girlfriend's mom needed a cat to catch mice at her house, so we gave lucky to her. Good riddance. I honestly have not really given her a second thought until just this week.
All the kids and the girlfriend have been at Grandma Girlfriend's house this week for Spring Break. Apparently, according to reports from the girlfriend and the tall kid, the little curly haired girl has been terrorizing Lucky this week. I can only imagine!! I understand that Lucky has scratched the little curly haired girl a few times during the course of her visit. As I have reflected on this, I have found myself incredibly satisfied. Giddy even.
I mean really - how perfect is this? Lucky is gone and so is the little curly haired girl. They both annoy me to no end, and now they are together terrorizing each other. It's beautiful! They were made for each other!
But I digress . . . my respite is quickly coming to a close as I overheard my roommate talking to his girlfriend today. She and the kids are coming home tomorrow. The roommate is incredibly happy. Me?
Not so much.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Close call
Elmer Fudd always tells people to be very, very, quiet, because he is hunting for wabbits. Tonight I identified with old Elmer. My roommate had gone to eat supper with his parents tonight as his girlfriend and the kids are out of town. He has been spending a lot more time at work over the past few days with everybody gone. I guess he has been trying to catch up with stuff that he has been putting off recently. With nobody at home, he has no obligations. I could care less if he comes home at all, to be truthful. Just as long as I have food, I'm good.
Anyway, tonight while my roommate was gone, I decided to check out the storage room downstairs. This is the room where the stupid dogs sleep at night. That room is full of boxes that have not been unpacked since we moved into this house. At any rate, I've been missing some of my stuff recently, and I decided that perhaps the stuff I've been missing is packed away in some of these boxes. I decided to take a look tonight while the roommate was out and the moronic dogs were outside.
I started going through the boxes. I was unsuccessful in finding what I was specifically looking for, but I was running across stuff that I had forgotten that we even had to begin with. It was sort of like skipping down memory lane, actually. I suppose that I was so engrossed with the boxes that I didn't realize that my roommate had come home and had let the dogs into the room where I was. They came bounding in huffing and puffing, panting and grunting. They both went to their food bowls and began to inhale their dog chow. It was as if they believed that if they didn't eat their food in less than 30 seconds, it would disappear or ruin like the excess manna non-trusting Israelites gathered against Yawheh's instruction. (DANG! I've got to quit hanging out with my roommate so much! Either that or he needs to hurry up and get out of Exdous in his Thursday noontime Bible study)!
ANYWAY - long story short - I was trapped in the room being "very, very, quiet" with these animals against my will! Fortunately, they were so enthralled with eating at the speed of light that they didn't realize that I was in there with them. On the other hand, I was terrified to call out for my roommate, because I did not want to draw attention to myself. What if they heard me and tried to eat me, too? Well, thank goodness for my roommate's ADD! When he fed the dogs, he forgot to give them water. Right when I was about to really freak out, my roommate opened the door again, and he was holding a pitcher of water. That was my moment! I quickly dropped the box top I was holding and ran out of the room unscathed by the slobbering beasts.
The girlfriend needs to come home. My roommate is an idiot anyway, but without her around, my life is in danger. The dude can't focus without her.
Anyway, tonight while my roommate was gone, I decided to check out the storage room downstairs. This is the room where the stupid dogs sleep at night. That room is full of boxes that have not been unpacked since we moved into this house. At any rate, I've been missing some of my stuff recently, and I decided that perhaps the stuff I've been missing is packed away in some of these boxes. I decided to take a look tonight while the roommate was out and the moronic dogs were outside.
I started going through the boxes. I was unsuccessful in finding what I was specifically looking for, but I was running across stuff that I had forgotten that we even had to begin with. It was sort of like skipping down memory lane, actually. I suppose that I was so engrossed with the boxes that I didn't realize that my roommate had come home and had let the dogs into the room where I was. They came bounding in huffing and puffing, panting and grunting. They both went to their food bowls and began to inhale their dog chow. It was as if they believed that if they didn't eat their food in less than 30 seconds, it would disappear or ruin like the excess manna non-trusting Israelites gathered against Yawheh's instruction. (DANG! I've got to quit hanging out with my roommate so much! Either that or he needs to hurry up and get out of Exdous in his Thursday noontime Bible study)!
ANYWAY - long story short - I was trapped in the room being "very, very, quiet" with these animals against my will! Fortunately, they were so enthralled with eating at the speed of light that they didn't realize that I was in there with them. On the other hand, I was terrified to call out for my roommate, because I did not want to draw attention to myself. What if they heard me and tried to eat me, too? Well, thank goodness for my roommate's ADD! When he fed the dogs, he forgot to give them water. Right when I was about to really freak out, my roommate opened the door again, and he was holding a pitcher of water. That was my moment! I quickly dropped the box top I was holding and ran out of the room unscathed by the slobbering beasts.
The girlfriend needs to come home. My roommate is an idiot anyway, but without her around, my life is in danger. The dude can't focus without her.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Well, well, well! I heard from both of my grandmothers just the other day. Both of them admonished me for lashing out at the little curly headed girl that lives with me. Grandma Girlfriend sent me a picture of the curly headed girl and asked me how could I have such a bad attitude regarding the little brat. Apparently, her angelic appearance leads non-suspecting onlookers to believe that she is sweet and innocent. I'll bet that Mimi has never been trampled over while trying to take a nap. Nor has she ever had a hard plastic baby doll bounced off her head for no apparent reason.
As for Grandma Roommate, I truly am sorry that you miss the little curly haired girl. I appreciate your remorse, but have you ever been doused with a cup of cold tap water while you were taking a nap? While you were minding your own business, have you ever been ambushed by a two year old hell bent on pulling out all of your body hair? I think not.
She is gone, I'm okay with that, and now I bid you all adieu. Time for a toddler-free nap. No offense, grandmas? Love you both!
Grandmas 0 Me 1.
I am the winner.
As for Grandma Roommate, I truly am sorry that you miss the little curly haired girl. I appreciate your remorse, but have you ever been doused with a cup of cold tap water while you were taking a nap? While you were minding your own business, have you ever been ambushed by a two year old hell bent on pulling out all of your body hair? I think not.
She is gone, I'm okay with that, and now I bid you all adieu. Time for a toddler-free nap. No offense, grandmas? Love you both!
Grandmas 0 Me 1.
I am the winner.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Funeral for a Friend
This morning was beautiful! The air was crisp, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping. I could not wait for my roommate to open the house so that I could go out and begin my morning routine. I usually go for a brief walk around the yard to check things out, and then I make my way up the back steps of the house and take my usual perch on the balcony overlooking the stupid dogs.
I like watching the day get started. There is a freshness about it that really makes me appreciate being alive and being a part of creation. That might sound corny to some of you, but don't knock it 'till you try it! One of the things I like the most about my morning routines is watching the outdoor creatures milling about and getting their day started too. The squirrels are hilarious. They run up and down the trees, jumping from limb to limb. There is one squirrel in particular who loves to hang out on the other balcony outside of the boy's room. This morning he was lying on the railing surveying his surroundings just as nonchalantly as I was hanging out on the main balcony. I even thought about striking up a conversation with him, but it probably would have made the dumb dogs start barking. Barking dogs and skittish squirrels don't make the best combination, and I didn't want to ruin the little guy's morning.
As I was watching the neighbors walking out in their Sunday's best to go to church, I suddenly realized that something was missing from my normal morning routine. I had not yet seen the beautiful cardinal that usually flits down to sit on the back fence of the yard. He is there every morning, but today he wasn't there. I found this to be incredibly odd, because he is rarely late, and he is never a no show. I thought that maybe his wife had laid some eggs or something and he was helping out around the nest which would have tied him up, but when he was over 45 minutes late; I became concerned.
I got up and started pacing the length of the balcony. I looked up in the trees, I looked over onto the other balcony; I even craned my neck around the side of the balcony to see if the cardinal was in one of the big bushes against the side of the house. He was not anywhere to be found. I was growing more concerned by the minute. I was just about to head down the stairs to conduct a more thorough search when something caught my eye in the back yard. What I saw next was horrifying, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
I saw the big, stupid, black, Labrador skipping and running around in circles. Ordinarily, I blow off such behavior displayed by him, because he is, in the simplest of terms, a moron. In fact, I have often thought that he actually might be retarded. However, this morning, there was something different about his idiot dance. I stopped to see what was up with him before I headed down the stairs. As I observed him closely, I realized that he had something in his mouth. At first, I was not that concerned about it. He normally puts stuff in his mouth: sticks, rocks, tennis balls, his own poop. But this morning as I was watching the big, dumb, black, dog, I saw a flash of red between his teeth! And as I peered even closer down into the yard, I saw feathers floating around his head -red feathers! My buddy the cardinal was in that dog's mouth! I was mortified! I banged on the door trying to get my roommate's attention! The dog had to be stopped! I wanted my roommate to shoot the dog with that tall kid's BB gun. Something had to be done! My roommate, however had already left for work. I was helpless and my friend the cardinal was being devoured.
Have you ever been in a situation where you witnessed something so horrible that you actually just froze unable to react or respond? That is exactly what happened to me this morning. The horror! The other dumb dog out there didn't even perk her ears up while this murder was taking place. I don't even think that she lifted her head out of the hole in the yard where she was sleeping. Again - the horror!!
I hope that dopey dog gets salmonella.
I like watching the day get started. There is a freshness about it that really makes me appreciate being alive and being a part of creation. That might sound corny to some of you, but don't knock it 'till you try it! One of the things I like the most about my morning routines is watching the outdoor creatures milling about and getting their day started too. The squirrels are hilarious. They run up and down the trees, jumping from limb to limb. There is one squirrel in particular who loves to hang out on the other balcony outside of the boy's room. This morning he was lying on the railing surveying his surroundings just as nonchalantly as I was hanging out on the main balcony. I even thought about striking up a conversation with him, but it probably would have made the dumb dogs start barking. Barking dogs and skittish squirrels don't make the best combination, and I didn't want to ruin the little guy's morning.
As I was watching the neighbors walking out in their Sunday's best to go to church, I suddenly realized that something was missing from my normal morning routine. I had not yet seen the beautiful cardinal that usually flits down to sit on the back fence of the yard. He is there every morning, but today he wasn't there. I found this to be incredibly odd, because he is rarely late, and he is never a no show. I thought that maybe his wife had laid some eggs or something and he was helping out around the nest which would have tied him up, but when he was over 45 minutes late; I became concerned.
I got up and started pacing the length of the balcony. I looked up in the trees, I looked over onto the other balcony; I even craned my neck around the side of the balcony to see if the cardinal was in one of the big bushes against the side of the house. He was not anywhere to be found. I was growing more concerned by the minute. I was just about to head down the stairs to conduct a more thorough search when something caught my eye in the back yard. What I saw next was horrifying, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
I saw the big, stupid, black, Labrador skipping and running around in circles. Ordinarily, I blow off such behavior displayed by him, because he is, in the simplest of terms, a moron. In fact, I have often thought that he actually might be retarded. However, this morning, there was something different about his idiot dance. I stopped to see what was up with him before I headed down the stairs. As I observed him closely, I realized that he had something in his mouth. At first, I was not that concerned about it. He normally puts stuff in his mouth: sticks, rocks, tennis balls, his own poop. But this morning as I was watching the big, dumb, black, dog, I saw a flash of red between his teeth! And as I peered even closer down into the yard, I saw feathers floating around his head -red feathers! My buddy the cardinal was in that dog's mouth! I was mortified! I banged on the door trying to get my roommate's attention! The dog had to be stopped! I wanted my roommate to shoot the dog with that tall kid's BB gun. Something had to be done! My roommate, however had already left for work. I was helpless and my friend the cardinal was being devoured.
Have you ever been in a situation where you witnessed something so horrible that you actually just froze unable to react or respond? That is exactly what happened to me this morning. The horror! The other dumb dog out there didn't even perk her ears up while this murder was taking place. I don't even think that she lifted her head out of the hole in the yard where she was sleeping. Again - the horror!!
I hope that dopey dog gets salmonella.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
. . . and the curly haired girl is GONE!!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The kingdom of this world Is become the kingdom of our Lord, And of His Christ, and of His Christ; And He shall reign for ever and ever, For ever and ever, forever and ever,
King of kings, and Lord of lords, King of kings, and Lord of lords, And Lord of lords,
And He shall reign, And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings, forever and ever, And Lord of lords, Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And He shall reign forever and ever, King of kings! and Lord of lords!
And He shall reign forever and ever, King of kings! and Lord of lords!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
My thanks (and apologies) to Handel.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
The kingdom of this world Is become the kingdom of our Lord, And of His Christ, and of His Christ; And He shall reign for ever and ever, For ever and ever, forever and ever,
King of kings, and Lord of lords, King of kings, and Lord of lords, And Lord of lords,
And He shall reign, And He shall reign forever and ever,
King of kings, forever and ever, And Lord of lords, Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And He shall reign forever and ever, King of kings! and Lord of lords!
And He shall reign forever and ever, King of kings! and Lord of lords!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
My thanks (and apologies) to Handel.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Let the vacation begin!
Thank goodness! It's official! The girlfriend and all the kids are going out of town tomorrow! Hooray!!! The signs were overwhelmingly obvious before the final confirmation of the trip was revealed to me. It all started this morning with my roommate being unreasonably grumpy. He always gets that way before his gal leaves home with all the kids. Then, around mid-afternoon, I overheard the roommate on the phone telling the girlfriend what to do at the oil change place. And then the kids got home and started packing unreasonable and totally useless thing to take on their trip. Like Mimi and Pop will need half torn piece of papers with poorly scrawled crayon drawings of Saul on the road to Damascus!!! They are outta here! Woo-hoo!! Me and the roommate will be living large the next few days!
I love it when it is just him and me in the house alone. He makes the living conditions most conducive to my preferred lifestyle. He keeps me fed, and gets paranoid when I don't come in at night. That means that he insists that I am in before he locks up the house at night. No more beating on the door for hours waiting for someone to turn a doorknob for me! At night, he sits in his chair in the den watching t.v. He doesn't turn on a bunch of lamps; the light from the television is enough for him. If he needs to read something, he only turns on the lamp beside his chair. At any one point during the night when it is just my roommate and me in the house, there is always only one light on. Awesome! Also, my roommate talks to me like I'm a real person when everyone else is gone - not that he's a jerk otherwise - its just that when we are alone in the house, he isn't distracted with other stuff. Like that curly haired girl, for example.
Seriously - something has to be done about her. She is out of control bonkers. I blogged about being whacked with a juice cup last night, if you all remember. Well, today was my roommate's day off. And for whatever reason, he always keeps that curly haired kid at home with him. I've begged him, I've pleaded with him, I've explained to him over and over that daycare is open five days a week. But he doesn't listen to me. When he is at home, so is she. So, in an intentional self-preservation maneuver, I stayed out of sight for the majority of the day. Around four o'clock or so this afternoon, my roommate loaded the kid into his vehicle to go to the grocery store. I went outside to jog when they left.
I was having a great time, too. The weather was lovely. Robins were out pecking around looking for whatever birds look for when they peck, the dogs were happy in the backyard sunning themselves on their backs, people were out walking around - it was almost a perfect afternoon. And then the roommate came home. He pulled into the driveway around five. I walked up to greet him, and all of a sudden, the little curly haired girl explodes out of the van. She starts running around in circles and babbling incoherent sentences. I slinked out of her way - trying to become invisible, but it was no use. BAM!!! The pine cone ricocheted of my head like a ping pong ball. Although the pine cone didn't hurt nearly as bad as the apple juice cup, it was still really unpleasant. I must have done something funny when I was struck, too, because when I reacted to the impact, the little curly haired girl burst into laughter. I was in shock from the pine cone, and her laughter only exacerbated my confusion . Luckily, I was able to regain my senses in time to run out of the way of the skateboard she rolled at me. Sigh.
Alert the mayor of Ferriday, LA . . . !
I love it when it is just him and me in the house alone. He makes the living conditions most conducive to my preferred lifestyle. He keeps me fed, and gets paranoid when I don't come in at night. That means that he insists that I am in before he locks up the house at night. No more beating on the door for hours waiting for someone to turn a doorknob for me! At night, he sits in his chair in the den watching t.v. He doesn't turn on a bunch of lamps; the light from the television is enough for him. If he needs to read something, he only turns on the lamp beside his chair. At any one point during the night when it is just my roommate and me in the house, there is always only one light on. Awesome! Also, my roommate talks to me like I'm a real person when everyone else is gone - not that he's a jerk otherwise - its just that when we are alone in the house, he isn't distracted with other stuff. Like that curly haired girl, for example.
Seriously - something has to be done about her. She is out of control bonkers. I blogged about being whacked with a juice cup last night, if you all remember. Well, today was my roommate's day off. And for whatever reason, he always keeps that curly haired kid at home with him. I've begged him, I've pleaded with him, I've explained to him over and over that daycare is open five days a week. But he doesn't listen to me. When he is at home, so is she. So, in an intentional self-preservation maneuver, I stayed out of sight for the majority of the day. Around four o'clock or so this afternoon, my roommate loaded the kid into his vehicle to go to the grocery store. I went outside to jog when they left.
I was having a great time, too. The weather was lovely. Robins were out pecking around looking for whatever birds look for when they peck, the dogs were happy in the backyard sunning themselves on their backs, people were out walking around - it was almost a perfect afternoon. And then the roommate came home. He pulled into the driveway around five. I walked up to greet him, and all of a sudden, the little curly haired girl explodes out of the van. She starts running around in circles and babbling incoherent sentences. I slinked out of her way - trying to become invisible, but it was no use. BAM!!! The pine cone ricocheted of my head like a ping pong ball. Although the pine cone didn't hurt nearly as bad as the apple juice cup, it was still really unpleasant. I must have done something funny when I was struck, too, because when I reacted to the impact, the little curly haired girl burst into laughter. I was in shock from the pine cone, and her laughter only exacerbated my confusion . Luckily, I was able to regain my senses in time to run out of the way of the skateboard she rolled at me. Sigh.
Alert the mayor of Ferriday, LA . . . !
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Apple juice and tweety birds
I heard my roommate's girlfriend pestering him about getting her minivan serviced tomorrow. That can only mean one thing: she is going on vacation, and when she goes on vacation, that means that the KIDS go on vacation, too! Oh what joy, I'm beginning to feel! The quiet will be a welcomed long lost friend. No more refereeing fights between the long haired pretty girl and the short kid with glasses. No more running in fear of my life from the little curly haired demon. I might miss the tall kid, though. He actually has some redeeming qualities. I might miss the baby, too. So far, she's been harmless.
I actually kind of like the new little one. She doesn't do much but sit around and gurgle. I like to watch her. She has recently been working on making intentional faces. She recognizes people now, and she smiles at them. It is really neat to watch, but I try not to get too attached, because I fear that sooner or later she will do the same thing that all the others have done - learn to walk and live to terrorize me and the rest of the household.
My roommate says that this baby is the last one - he promises. On one hand, this fact is reassuring to me. On the other hand, this fact also makes me extremely paranoid. What if she turns out to be the wildest one of the bunch? Ooooh - I can't think about that right now. It gives me a headache. Besides, I can't wrap my mind around the possibility that anyone could be worse than the curly haired girl.
For instance, this morning I was minding my own business watching a completely non-riveting interview of a woman who had found the secret to deep pore excavation through cleansers made with cucumbers and vanilla bean extract conducted by the equally as non-riveting Ann Cury on the Today show. I had just had a little breakfast, and I was quietly collecting my thoughts for the beginning of the day, when out of the blue, WHAM!!! I was beaned in the head with a hard plastic sippy cup full of apple juice. The pain was exquisite. I actually saw birds circling my head. My roommate, the prince of a guy he is, didn't even check to see if I was okay. He just picked up the cup and gave it back to the devil. To his credit, he did mention to the girl that it wasn't nice to throw her drinks. Jeesh.
Naw. There's noway this new kid can come close to being as scary as the curly haired little kid. There just can't be.
I actually kind of like the new little one. She doesn't do much but sit around and gurgle. I like to watch her. She has recently been working on making intentional faces. She recognizes people now, and she smiles at them. It is really neat to watch, but I try not to get too attached, because I fear that sooner or later she will do the same thing that all the others have done - learn to walk and live to terrorize me and the rest of the household.
My roommate says that this baby is the last one - he promises. On one hand, this fact is reassuring to me. On the other hand, this fact also makes me extremely paranoid. What if she turns out to be the wildest one of the bunch? Ooooh - I can't think about that right now. It gives me a headache. Besides, I can't wrap my mind around the possibility that anyone could be worse than the curly haired girl.
For instance, this morning I was minding my own business watching a completely non-riveting interview of a woman who had found the secret to deep pore excavation through cleansers made with cucumbers and vanilla bean extract conducted by the equally as non-riveting Ann Cury on the Today show. I had just had a little breakfast, and I was quietly collecting my thoughts for the beginning of the day, when out of the blue, WHAM!!! I was beaned in the head with a hard plastic sippy cup full of apple juice. The pain was exquisite. I actually saw birds circling my head. My roommate, the prince of a guy he is, didn't even check to see if I was okay. He just picked up the cup and gave it back to the devil. To his credit, he did mention to the girl that it wasn't nice to throw her drinks. Jeesh.
Naw. There's noway this new kid can come close to being as scary as the curly haired little kid. There just can't be.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Egg hunting
Nothing much happened today. In fact, I've been sitting here looking at a blank screen for quite some time trying to think of something to write. After yesterday's harrowing experience with that short, curly headed, girl, I pretty much stayed out of sight today. She has been sick the past two days and she has a mad case of cabin fever. Trust me - I steered clear of her today!
I did go for a nice walk today. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Not even a week ago there was three to four inches of snow on the ground, and today it was close to 75 degrees and sunny. I like weather like that. It is almost spring, and I can't wait. Easter is coming, too. In fact, I think it is just a week from Sunday. All the kids in the house will be getting Easter baskets and they will hide Easter eggs. I love Easter egg hunting. What I like to do is hang out inconspicuously where the egg hider is at work. Then, before the hunters come to look for the eggs, I move them around.
I have a few Easter memories that involve the dog I used to have. My roommate always wanted to buy a little baby bunny rabbit for the dog, but his girlfriend would never let him. She said that it was a ridiculous idea, not to mention cruel. Actually, if the truth were told, I've always kind of wanted my own baby chick at Easter. I wouldn't do anything mean to it. I'd just hang out with it for a while. Maybe I'd even let it help me move Easter eggs around. It could be fun.
I did go for a nice walk today. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Not even a week ago there was three to four inches of snow on the ground, and today it was close to 75 degrees and sunny. I like weather like that. It is almost spring, and I can't wait. Easter is coming, too. In fact, I think it is just a week from Sunday. All the kids in the house will be getting Easter baskets and they will hide Easter eggs. I love Easter egg hunting. What I like to do is hang out inconspicuously where the egg hider is at work. Then, before the hunters come to look for the eggs, I move them around.
I have a few Easter memories that involve the dog I used to have. My roommate always wanted to buy a little baby bunny rabbit for the dog, but his girlfriend would never let him. She said that it was a ridiculous idea, not to mention cruel. Actually, if the truth were told, I've always kind of wanted my own baby chick at Easter. I wouldn't do anything mean to it. I'd just hang out with it for a while. Maybe I'd even let it help me move Easter eggs around. It could be fun.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Attack of the 2 year old!
So, the short curly haired girl was sick today. She was coughing and hacking all over the house. I tried to keep my distance. Seriously, I don't want to get what she has. I have enough problems as it is: the aforementioned remote control issue, getting enough sleep, etc., etc. Getting sick is the LAST thing that I need at this point.
My roommate put the girl down for a nap today even though she didn't want to go to sleep. She screamed and cried. She cried and screamed. I thought she'd never settle down! Since she wasn't my problem to begin with, I just went downstairs to escape the noise. I heard her getting out of bed a couple of times, and I heard my roommate trying to convince her to stay in bed. What a hassle! I wouldn't put up with that nonsense for five minutes! However, far be it for me to be a backseat parent!
At any rate, I finally managed to block out the noise. Later on this afternoon, I was in the kitchen to scrounge up a snack or two. My roommate's girlfriend had come home from work and she was in the kitchen with me asking my roommate about how the curly haired girl had been today while she was at work. My roommate was trying recount the events of the day, when the curly headed girl came into the kitchen with us. The next thing that happened came in a flash. It happened so fast, I didn't even have time to react. My roommate told his girlfriend that the curly haired girl had given him trouble at nap time. As he told the story, I rolled my eyes in disgust.
Well, apparently the little curly haired girl saw me roll my eyes and, she must have been offended, because the next thing I knew, she had jumped on top of me and started beating me with her fists!! I couldn't believe what was happening! My roommate told her to get off of me, but she persisted! I was pinned and couldn't move. My arms were trapped so I couldn't push her off, and since she was crushing my lungs, I couldn't scream. My mind was racing and the only thing I could think to do was to bite her. However, before I could sink my teeth into her toddler flesh, the girlfriend pushed her off of me. I quickly limped away. The little beast!!
Girlfriend 1 - Roommate 0. That little kid could set my roommates pants on fire and he wouldn't even raise his voice, but just let me try to take a nap in his chair, and I am the anti-Christ!
I need a vacation.
My roommate put the girl down for a nap today even though she didn't want to go to sleep. She screamed and cried. She cried and screamed. I thought she'd never settle down! Since she wasn't my problem to begin with, I just went downstairs to escape the noise. I heard her getting out of bed a couple of times, and I heard my roommate trying to convince her to stay in bed. What a hassle! I wouldn't put up with that nonsense for five minutes! However, far be it for me to be a backseat parent!
At any rate, I finally managed to block out the noise. Later on this afternoon, I was in the kitchen to scrounge up a snack or two. My roommate's girlfriend had come home from work and she was in the kitchen with me asking my roommate about how the curly haired girl had been today while she was at work. My roommate was trying recount the events of the day, when the curly headed girl came into the kitchen with us. The next thing that happened came in a flash. It happened so fast, I didn't even have time to react. My roommate told his girlfriend that the curly haired girl had given him trouble at nap time. As he told the story, I rolled my eyes in disgust.
Well, apparently the little curly haired girl saw me roll my eyes and, she must have been offended, because the next thing I knew, she had jumped on top of me and started beating me with her fists!! I couldn't believe what was happening! My roommate told her to get off of me, but she persisted! I was pinned and couldn't move. My arms were trapped so I couldn't push her off, and since she was crushing my lungs, I couldn't scream. My mind was racing and the only thing I could think to do was to bite her. However, before I could sink my teeth into her toddler flesh, the girlfriend pushed her off of me. I quickly limped away. The little beast!!
Girlfriend 1 - Roommate 0. That little kid could set my roommates pants on fire and he wouldn't even raise his voice, but just let me try to take a nap in his chair, and I am the anti-Christ!
I need a vacation.
Monday, March 10, 2008
A ladder would be nice
I was at home alone all day today. This is not a complaint, it is merely a statement of fact. I rather enjoy having the whole house to myself, actually. It is quiet, nobody bothers me, I can sleep as long as I want, I can eat whenever I want without being disturbed, and I can watch whatever I want to watch on television . . . . usually! Today, however I was unable to watch any t.v. I couldn't find any of the remote controls. At first, I was okay with it. I figured, no problem; I'll just take a nap, but one can only nap for so long before one needs a diversion. I came out to the den to watch the tube, but the remote was nowhere to be found. I went into the oldest girls room to watch her t.v., but the remote was missing. I checked each room with a television and every room revealed the same thing - NO REMOTE! I was furious! My roommate always complains about missing remotes, and I actually thought he had gotten a handle on the situation. No one is allowed to move his remote control! He ALWAYS leaves the remote beside his chair, and everyone in the house knows that they are not supposed to move it from it's designated spot. But what am I supposed to do when my roommate doesn't comply with his own rules? That idiot didn't leave the remote where it was supposed to be. Jeesh!
I think there is a button somewhere on top of the television set that will turn the unit on. I've seen my roommate's girlfriend turn the t.v. on like that before. But before you ask me why I didn't try that option, remember that it is rude to question short folks. Vertically challenged comments tend to be annoying. Man! What a terrible day!
As my frustration mounted concerning the remote control issue, I realized that at least my roommate had brought the newspaper inside before he and the short curly haired girl left this morning. However, that proved to be frustrating, too.
Rubber bands appear to be pretty self-explanatory, but trust me! They aren't.
I think there is a button somewhere on top of the television set that will turn the unit on. I've seen my roommate's girlfriend turn the t.v. on like that before. But before you ask me why I didn't try that option, remember that it is rude to question short folks. Vertically challenged comments tend to be annoying. Man! What a terrible day!
As my frustration mounted concerning the remote control issue, I realized that at least my roommate had brought the newspaper inside before he and the short curly haired girl left this morning. However, that proved to be frustrating, too.
Rubber bands appear to be pretty self-explanatory, but trust me! They aren't.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Another Scotch, please, bartender!
Now I've seen it all. My roommate, the tall kid, and I were hanging out tonight watching the local 10 o'clock news. Not much happened in town tonight, apparently. There was an interesting story that ran tonight, however that got my attention. Last night there was a black tie affair at the civic center to benefit the Humane Society. Cameras were present to record all of the festivities. As the reporter told the story, it became obvious that the event was intended to raise money for spaying and neutering animals - cats and dogs specifically. I suppose that this is a good cause. The thing that disturbed me, though was how this event played out. Find rich people. Invite them to a snazzy party. Feed them fancy appetizers. Get them good and liquored up. Take their money. Spend the money to administer invasive medical procedures on your pets.
If it were up to me and, I had control over a hammered rich guy's wallet at a Humane Society function, I'd use the money to figure out a way to remove the vocal cords of dogs. Or maybe the money could be used to research a way to prevent dogs from wagging their tails all of the time. Don't they know how stupid that looks? Better yet, that money could be spent to research ways to keep dogs from digging holes.
These are just some of my thoughts on the matter, though . . . I don't even have a tuxedo.
If it were up to me and, I had control over a hammered rich guy's wallet at a Humane Society function, I'd use the money to figure out a way to remove the vocal cords of dogs. Or maybe the money could be used to research a way to prevent dogs from wagging their tails all of the time. Don't they know how stupid that looks? Better yet, that money could be spent to research ways to keep dogs from digging holes.
These are just some of my thoughts on the matter, though . . . I don't even have a tuxedo.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Sweet revenge
Approximately five or six years ago, I broke my hip. It was a serious injury that set me back considerably. Whenever it rains, my hip hurts. When the weather is changing from hot to cold or vice versa, the pain in my hip is excruciating. I can't run as fast anymore, and if I'm on my feet too long, my hip gets stiff and I have to sit down.
The way it happened, I was asleep on the top bunk of a set of bunk beds in the boy's room. I was sleeping really hard - dreaming even - when the back door of the house slammed shut. I was sleeping so hard that the jolt I received from the door slamming forced me awake and sent me tumbling off the top bunk. WHACK!!! Broken hip.
Of course when I landed on the floor, I did not realize that I had broken my hip. I felt pain, and a small twinge when I would try to walk, but I had no idea that I had a break. My roommate eventually figured out what was wrong with me and he took me to the emergency room. The rest is history.
Ever since then, however, I have been hell bent on revenge. My revenge has been sporadic admittedly, though, because I'm not 100% on who was responsible for my injury. For instance, today, while the kids were out playing in the snow, I followed them out. The tall kid and his sister were making snow angels. I immediately noticed that the shorter kid with glasses was trying to figure out how to participate, too. He is the younger of the outside playing crew, and he is always trying to figure out how to keep up with the older ones. As he was attempting to make his own snow angel, I made my move. The girl was in the snow on the ground, and the short kid with glasses made his way into the yard to make an angel himself. Due to the cold weather, my hip was burning with pain, but I managed to silently put myself between him and the girl. As anticipated, he didn't see me, and on his way to join in on the fun, he tripped over me and fell into a bank of snow. When he hit the ground, the tall kid and his sister burst into laughter, and the short kid with glasses started to cry. He gathered himself and ran inside to my roommate.
Of course, all of you probably think that I'm mean, but I can confidentially say to you that at least the little guy didn't break his hip!!
The way it happened, I was asleep on the top bunk of a set of bunk beds in the boy's room. I was sleeping really hard - dreaming even - when the back door of the house slammed shut. I was sleeping so hard that the jolt I received from the door slamming forced me awake and sent me tumbling off the top bunk. WHACK!!! Broken hip.
Of course when I landed on the floor, I did not realize that I had broken my hip. I felt pain, and a small twinge when I would try to walk, but I had no idea that I had a break. My roommate eventually figured out what was wrong with me and he took me to the emergency room. The rest is history.
Ever since then, however, I have been hell bent on revenge. My revenge has been sporadic admittedly, though, because I'm not 100% on who was responsible for my injury. For instance, today, while the kids were out playing in the snow, I followed them out. The tall kid and his sister were making snow angels. I immediately noticed that the shorter kid with glasses was trying to figure out how to participate, too. He is the younger of the outside playing crew, and he is always trying to figure out how to keep up with the older ones. As he was attempting to make his own snow angel, I made my move. The girl was in the snow on the ground, and the short kid with glasses made his way into the yard to make an angel himself. Due to the cold weather, my hip was burning with pain, but I managed to silently put myself between him and the girl. As anticipated, he didn't see me, and on his way to join in on the fun, he tripped over me and fell into a bank of snow. When he hit the ground, the tall kid and his sister burst into laughter, and the short kid with glasses started to cry. He gathered himself and ran inside to my roommate.
Of course, all of you probably think that I'm mean, but I can confidentially say to you that at least the little guy didn't break his hip!!
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