Hiatus

So I've been on hiatus lately. However, I have several excellent excuses. None of them really matter, though, and besides, who cares? I rarely have anything important to say.

I had mentioned earlier that I have been disturbed with the happenings around the house lately. Specifically, I mentioned a Doberman incident? Let me give you the low down on that real quick, because I am still shuddering!

While I was minding my own business last Wednesday afternoon, I found myself strolling around in the front yard, inspecting the flower beds, and trying to decide on what to plant this spring. Schools had let out for the afternoon - my roommate's girlfriend had come home with most of her kids, and random school buses were rolling up and down the street in front of our house. I saw my roommate turn the corner heading for the driveway with the short curly haired girl in the backseat. I winced a bit at the sight of her return home, but I didn't think much about it because I was outside enjoying my yard. (She is not allowed in the front yard). Yes, the end of the work day was near, and things appeared to be normal.

As I was investigating an azalea bush that needed to be uprooted, I heard the familiar screech of the school bus that our neighbors ride. Usually, they get off the bus and head home, but something was different this day. All the kids on the bus were hanging out of the window - hollering, screaming . . . hollering. I looked up and saw the chunky kid from next door running as fast as he could (which, by the way, wasn't that fast . . . ) in the opposite direction of his house. Instead, he was running straight towards OUR house through OUR yard. Instantly, I knew something was wrong because he was screaming something about Jesus helping him as he literally ran right out of his shoes! His school books and papers made a breadcrumb trail from the curb straight through our yard.

I could not see from what he was running, so being curious by nature, I crept around the corner of the house to get a better look. As I rounded the corner, I heard the sound of feet ripping across the yard. I heard a frantic panting sound, and I knew it wasn't the overweight, asthmatic neighbor kid, because he was hiding in our garage already. No, it was quite simply the largeST, DAMN, DOBERMAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HEADING RIGHT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I ran faster than I thought imaginable, my life passed before my eyes. I actually felt the beast's hot, damp, breath on my rear as I headed to find refuge in the garage next to our hyperventilating neighbor. I saw my roommate making me breakfast and potty training me. I saw his girlfriend reading me story books while the taller pretty girl laid on the bed listening in. I saw the short kid with glasses locking me in the bathroom. I saw the short curly haired girl beating me with plastic baby dolls and whiffle ball bats -- my entire life! Flashing right before my eyes!!

Thankfully, it turned out that my roommate had not made it inside the house by the time I made it to the garage. He must be some type of an idiot, too, because he was standing out in the driveway trying to calm down the dog! Truth be told, though, he was also some type of angel, because he saved my life - not to mention the life of our petrified neighbor (who, by the way, kept clamoring on and on about Jesus, his momma, and either one or both of the aforementioned saving him)!

I ran inside before the entire incident ended, but apparently there were more theatrics that happened before the Doberman from hell went home. The short curly haired girl was trapped in the van the whole time the dog was running about, and when my roommate finally got her into the house, the dog ran inside after him. Also, in the midst of all the confusion, the taller pretty girl wandered outside holding her new puppy. The Doberman ran circles around her and she just giggled, and asked, "Daddy? Who's big doggie is this?" - completely oblivious to the fact that to the brutal stray canine, she was merely a big, juicy, doggie treat on legs. All in all, it was a pretty frightening afternoon . . . but we made it . . . barely.

And yes, I said new puppy. Won't my roommate ever learn how to say "no" to the girlfriend?

Alas, it is late and I must slumber now. Tomorrow though, I promise to introduce you to Maximus Decimus Aurelius - the puppy straight from Satan's backyard.