Happy St. Patrick's Day

I didn't wear green today. The short kid with glasses did, though. That was good enough for me. My roommate told me that on St. Patrick's Day, if you don't wear green, someone will pinch you. I don't quite understand that. Sounds pretty lame, if you ask me - and yet, I found myself looking over my shoulder a bit today, because like I said, I did not wear green. Generally, my roommate's girlfriend manages to keep things civil within the household, so my initial thought was that I would not be pinched, because she would keep a handle on things from getting out of hand. And yet still, one can never tell with the short curly haired girl roaming the premises.

As it turned out, the morning went off without a hitch. Everyone left for work and school, and I was paying attention to everyone and everything as they prepared to leave. Paranoia is not always a pathological thing! Self preservation is important, so I was keenly aware that some of the family had worn green and others had not. I made a note that those wearing green did not harass those who did not. I could have sworn that there would have been some type of pinching episode! But surprisingly there were none. Nothing. Nada! I thought to myself that this was probably a good sign. If they weren't teasing and pinching each other, I was more than likely in the clear. St. Patrick's Day was going to be a breeze! In fact, I was so relaxed after everyone had left that once I heard the last key in the door, I hit the couch, clicked on the television to catch the latest rerun of "In the Heat of the Night,"(because Archie Bunker as a police chief in Mississippi still amuses me to tearful laughter) and was soon taking a serious power nap. I had not worn green in recognition of St. Patrick's Day, but more importantly, I had not been pinched. In fact, I was starting to feel stupid for buying into the fear my roommate had tried to instill within me concerning the ritual pinching.

The hours past and I slept as contently as a rabbit in a patch of lush, green, and very green clover. Soon, I heard a key in the door and I knew I had to get up. However, I was in no hurry to vacate my couch just yet. I figured that I'd hang out a bit and hear about everybody's day before I got up to head outside. I heard nothing out of the ordinary from the reports of the day. Pretty mundane, ordinary stuff - and no reports of pinching surprisingly enough. I was encouraged!

I had finally resolved to get up to make myself useful when it happened. I was feeling pretty good about avoiding the unusually cruel punishment for my blatant St. Patrick's Day wardrobe violation. Yes, it was confirmed - my roommate was, is, and always will be an idiot. Pinching. Whatev!

I was right in the middle of one of those long, almost painful, cleansing stretches after an eight hour power nap when I was violently flattened back onto the couch! My first reaction was complete surprise and fear. What had just happened to me? Something was crushing me deep into the couch cushions! I thought that perhaps my decision to not wear green today was about to be punished. I shook the cobwebs from my head quickly and prepared myself to be pinched. However, instead of a pinch, my nostrils were filled with a putrid odor, and I heard a violent, spasmodic, wet, heavy breathing in my ear. What was this ambush? I remember thinking, "PINCH ME, ALREADY! JUST GET OFF OF ME!!" But the pinch never came. Instead, as I wriggled around to face my attacker, I was assaulted with a very wet, pink, tongue directly in my face.

Damn puggle.

I'd have rather been pinched.