Gone With the Wind (and frankly I don't give a damn)

The kids are gone. All of them - gone. Of course remnants remain - baby dolls left unattended in strollers in the den, socks strewn all down the hall way, panties balled up underneath the toilets, game controllers draped over couches in the living room, sucker sticks stuck to the wall in the hall, stuffed animals crammed headfirst into couch cushions, etc., etc., etc. But now, it is as quiet as a church mouse. Serene and peaceful. Lovely!!

I've got the house to myself for five whole days! Actually, that's not 100% accurate. My roommate is still here, but I can live with that (as long as he will turn the stereo down - it's not like he's in high school with his parents out of town - "Sweet! Mom and dad are gone! Time to crank the tunes!" ~ at 1 in the morning ~ idiot)! It's actually pretty cool when it is just me and him here alone. We don't ever really speak, but we acknowledge the fact that we are both here. I don't want to sound too creepy, but it is kind of nice when it is just me and him. His girlfriend keeps him grounded and everything, but every now and then it's cool for him to remember what it was like back in the day when he was a lonely loser, you know? Humbling experiences never hurt anyone - like the time I got locked in a bathroom for 12 hours, but I digress . . .

With all the kids gone, I've been able to do somethings that just aren't possible with them around. Spying, for instance. I love spying on folks, but when the kids are around, it is virtually impossible. That dang short curly haired kid always blows my cover. I could have the best hiding/spying place in the world, and sure enough, the short curly haired kid will find me. For instance, who knew that she keeps her pretend plastic cell phone under the completely draped table in the den? To most kids, that damn toy phone is considered lost. But not to her! Again, I digress . . .

Spying. I was talking about spying. (How sad that I am still distracted by the currently absent kids . . . )! BUT ANYWAY - with the house empty today, I took the opportunity to do some uninteruppted spying. My roommate had come home for lunch and he had to take the puggle out for a walk. When my roommate takes this idiot out, he always goes out the front door. There is a screen door on the front of the house that doesn't close immediately which leaves a window of opportunity for me to quietly slip out behind them unnoticed. Sometimes, the short curly haired girl slips out, too, but as I mentioned earlier, she's currently gone! The setting was perfect! I was so deft and stealth-like, my roommate didn't even know I had followed him! I was gonna do some sweet, dirt revealing, scandal producing, bonafide, spying! Heh, heh, heh!

I slipped in comfortably behind the largest boxwood in the front flowerbed. LADJJFLJ*7&6! (Sorry. My roommate all of a sudden and completely out of the blue, thought he could sing like the lead singer for Toto - because it is after midnight, the kids are gone, and the stereo is BLARING . . . . My apologies. I'm easily spooked). Now. Where was I?

Ah, yes! The boxwood in the front bed of the house. I quickly settled in to gather intelligence. My roommate, God love him, was visibly irritated with the puggle who would not settle down to "do his business" immediately. I heard him saying, "Would you just hurry up and pee?" I snickered quietly into the back of my hand. Even my roommate, THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (whatev) could not make the puggle submit! This was hilarious. I continued to spy - eager to gather useful information that I could use as leverage in potential situations that might arise in the future. However, I became distracted. My original intent had been to be sharp and keenly aware of EVERYTHING I witnessed. Seriously, this was the first spying expedition I had been on in months without the threat of the short curly haired girl blowing my cover! And yet I slowly but surely realized that the banal stupidity of the puggle was driving me to distraction! I tried to fight it. I tried to remained focused. I tried to be cognizant of the things happening before my spying eyes, but I found myself becoming more and more distracted by the puggle.

My original intent had been to gather intell on my roommate that I could use against him with his girlfriend upon her return home. I mean, how sweet would it be if I had some damaging information on him that would lead to his girlfriend agreeing to let me eat anytime I felt like it? But no! The puggle had me mezmerized. Even though he is a much lesser life form, my attention was screwed into him. For what it is worth, my spying, uninterruptted, is actually top notch. But the puggle has some type of mysterious power over me. This is what my spying revealed today:

I'madogI'madogI'madog! RunrunrunrunrunSITDOWNFAST! Sniffsniffsniffsniffsnort! RunrunrunrunrunincirclesincirclesreallyreallyfastRUNincirclesbutIalreadysaidthatRUN. Digaholerighthereimmediately. Imustdigquicklyfastandfuriousdigdigdig. Isthatpoop? Eateateateatnow! Poopgoodyummyrunrunrunincirclesatspeedof soundletsgoinsidenow! Wait! Digdigdigdigrunrun! Anymore poop? Digrunrundigsitdown.

Damn puggle. Ruined everything today.